Farrah Abraham

Farrah Abraham is taking her ... whatever it is she does to a strip club near you!

The Teen Mom star turned porn star is embarking on a series of summer appearances that could net her more than $80,000, and you won't believe this, but:

The venues appear to be of the topless/XXX variety.

Farrah Abraham, 21, will get up to $10,000 per night from:

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Spoiler alert: Farrah Abraham is not pregnant, despite rumors to the contrary.

You may now breathe easy, James Deen and the rest of human civilization.

Shockingly, it looks like the Farrah Abraham pregnant rumor was all a stunt.

She was seen buying an over-the-counter test, but it was all for a pre-taped episode of upcoming conflict resolution talk show called ... The Test.

Seriously. That's apparently a show.

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Farrah Abraham is actually no stranger to the bedroom maneuvers she showed off in her sex tape. If you don't know what we mean, remember the title:

Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom. Says it all.

Just a few minutes into the adult film smash, she tells James Deen that she needs to lubricate up, because, well, it's not as lubricated in that orifice.

Sorry. We're grossed out too, but we do have a point.

Farrah Abraham Sex Tape Interview

She tells her porn star pal that "This is my first time!"

Well, guess what? The reality star was lying, as usual.

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Chrissy Teigen went OFF on Farrah Abraham on Twitter this week - and then got slammed herself by people accusing her of "slut shaming."

"Farrah Abraham now thinks she's pregnant from her sex tape. In other news you're a whore and everyone hates you," the SI model tweeted.

"Whoops not other news, sorry."

OUCH. The 27-year-old fiancee of John Legend then felt the backlash as critics defended Farrah Abraham and accused Chrissy of "slut shaming."

This just fired Teigen up even more.

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The bikini used in the cover photo of the Farrah Abraham sex tape can be yours, a piece of cinema history courtesy of a hot piece of ... well, you know.

Vivid Entertainment, the porn studio behind the release of Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom, has put the bedazzled two-piece up for bids on eBay.

Opening price? A modest $500!

The hilarious listing advertises the Poolside Collection bikini as "used" ... and TMZ reports that you can take that literally. As in it hasn't been washed since.

You may now vomit on cue.

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Newly-minted porn queen Farrah Abraham took time out from her usual sparring with James Deen to engage in another war of words with an unexpected critic:

Teen Mom co-star Catelynn Lowell.

Having apparently watched at least part of the Farrah Abraham sex tape, Lowell tweeted that her MTV co-star sounded like a "dying horse" on the video.

That would be one way to describe some of the animalistic noises she made while James Deen was doing his thing, but Abraham seems unfazed.

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Farrah Abraham's pregnancy test will be coming up negative, James Deen says, and he's not impressed by what he calls her latest publicity stunt.

James is far from pleased by speculation that he got Farrah Abraham pregnant, a rumor that spread after she was seen buying an over-the-counter test.

"To say you're potentially pregnant is not something to joke about," he said.

"When you knowingly involve another human being and craft a publicity stunt around that, a child is not something to be taken lightly."

"It's not a game anymore and it's really not cool."

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The ever-candid James Deen says the experience of working with Farrah Abraham makes working with Lindsay Lohan feel like a walk in the park.

Lindsay‘s leading man in The Canyons had been critical of the star for her diva-like attitude and acting like a child on set, but well, that was nothing.

At least compared to the Farrah Abraham sex tape drama.

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Farrah Abraham is sick of the Kim Kardashian comparisons.

Despite seemingly trying to follow Kim K.'s roadmap to fame - reality show bigger boobs, sex tape, weight loss endorsement - she says she's a totally different person.

Nor would she want to emulate Kim's "choices" anyway.

“I really don’t like to compare. We are different people in different situations,” Farrah told ET. “I also don’t agree with everything she’s done in her life."

"I hope to live my life a little bit differently."

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Farrah Abraham fears that she might be pregnant from her sex tape with James Deen, though we're fairly certain (and hopeful) that this is not true.

The status of her womb is unclear, but TMZ spotted her buying a test and reports that she's already missed her period and is totally freaking out.

She'd gone through a 12-month dry spell before the Farrah Abraham sex tape, during which no condoms were used, and she's not on birth control.

Well, we all know the last part.

It would be an epic story, but luckily for the 21-year-old Teen Mom alum-turned-porn-star, and for society at large, we highly doubt she's with child:

1. When James Deen "finished," it wasn't in any major orifice.
2. It's called Backdoor Teen Mom for a reason, people.

Happy Mother's Day!!!