Cardi B

All over the world, people are stuck in their homes with little do except worry about the coronavirus pandemic and the resulting global economic depression.

In times like these, unlikely heroes emerge -- and because humanity is currently living out the weirdest possible timeline, the man who has come forward to offer us some much-needed distraction is an imprisoned, polygamous, mulleted, gun-toting redneck with a serious jones for big cats.

If you've been keeping up with the increasingly bizarre saga of rapper Tekashi69 -- real name, Daniel Hernandez -- you know the face-tatted rapper will soon present a considerable challenge to the fine folks at the Witness Protection Program.

It all started back in November, when Tekashi was arrested for a list of crimes that seemed likely to put him behiund bars for the rest of his natural life.

Cardi B has been known to get extremely NSFW on social media, but this time, she just got a little too real.

After the legendary rapper tweeted out her desire to die, fans cried out in alarm.

Offset's cheating was devastating to Cardi B, even though they have since salvaged their relationship with marriage counseling.

But fans are still trying to warn Cardi that Offset could cheat again at any moment -- especially when they're apart.

Thanks to a lot of work, Cardi B and Offset saved their marriage and are back together.

But now, a pair of bloggers are threatening to ruin her life and reputation.

Now that they're back together, Offset doesn't want to lose Cardi B again.

But it takes more than expert pipe-laying and avoiding groupies to make a relationship truly successful.

Last week, in the grossest way possible, Cardi B confirmed her reconciliation with Offset.

He's her husband and baby daddy, so it's no real shock, even though he had cheated.

Lady Gaga is sticking up for her newfound bestie Cardi B! 

On Tuesday, Gaga took to Twitter to support Cardi and put all the haters to rest in the wake of negative feedback amid her Grammy win. 

Cardi B is having quite a rollercoaster of a week.

Things started off on a decidedly positive note when Cardi won the Grammy for best rap album, thus becoming the first solo female act to do so.

Cardi B paid her respects to Mac Miller after beating him for Best Rap Album Sunday night at the Grammys. 

Which is surprisingly the only category the late rapper has ever been nominated in. 

Make no mistake, readers.

Cardi B and Offset are most definitely back together.

Cardi B isn't interested in anyone's opinion or judgment when it comes to her and her husband's rocky relationship.

In fact, Cardi opens up to People in a candid interview about how "it's a personal thing."

Offset did the unthinkable and cheated on Cardi B, and she gave him the boot.

But you can only stay angry so long when you're horny, which is why Cardi bootycalled Offset not too long after.

As you're probably aware, the US government is currently in the midst of its longest shutdown in history, as President Trump refuses to consider any compromise that doesn't include funding for his precious border wall.

And you don't need a degree in political science to know its a scary situation that's resulted in lost wages for hundreds of thousands of federal employees.

Welp. 

So much for speculating over whether or not Cardi B and Offset were having sexual intercourse again.

Cardi B and Offset are back together.

We mean this literally.

Offset's alleged side piece is here to step forward.

In the wake of Cardi B splitting from her husband and baby daddy, Sum Bunni (aka Summer Bunni) has become a (hilarious) household name among those who care about the lives of these artists.