Our apologies to those who may have found that headline a bit crass. And to those who want to avoid Bachelorette spoilers.
But folks - it's fantasy suites week, which means it's time to send the kids to bed and get straight down to business.
Last week, Hannah was introduced to her finalists' friends and families.
(Or in the case of Luke P., a bunch of people he paid off to pretend he's a decent human being.)
Anyway, meeting the parents is great and all, but this week, she'll make her acquaintance of an even more important influence in the life of her fiance-to-be.
It's a figure who looms (hopefully) large and probably makes many important decisions on her future husband's behalf.
We're talking, of course, about his ding-a-ling.
Now, if you've been keeping up with our Bachelorette spoilers, then you already know who receives Hannah's final rose.
But that doesn't mean he'll be the only one who gets her flower, if you know what we mean.
(If you'd prefer to be surprised, read no further, because we're about to get all spoiler-y up in here.)
Okay, so now that all the info-phobes have tossed their phones into the nearest body of water, it's time to tell you that Kevin Spacey was dead the whole movie, and Bruce Willis was Keyser Soze.
Just a little spoiler humor!
But seriously, folks, we've known for quite some time that Luke P. gets sent home in large part because he slut-shamed Hannah for having sex with one of the other guys.
So that's double good news: Hannah takes at least one finalist to pound town, and it's not Luke P.
We also know that Jed Wyatt proposes to Hannah in the finale, and she accepts.
It was later revealed that Wyatt had a girlfriend waiting at home while filming the show, and Hannah has reportedly kicked him to the curb as a result.
But that's a separate issue entirely.
During the filming of tonight's fantasy suite episode, Hannah was still very much smitten with Jed.
And so, when previews for the episode revealed that Hannah has sex with someone in a windmill, it was widely believed to be Wyatt.
But according to spoiler master Reality Steve, that's not the case.
"In Monday's episode, you'll see that Peter is Windmill Sex guy," Reality Steve writes.
"And there is a condom in the room that they joke about since he was the one that had it in the console of his car."
Yes, Peter Weber is the guy who goes full Don Quixote and thrusts his lance in a windmill. (Sorry, we couldn't resist.)
(We're not ruling out the possibility that Hannah bangs Jed as well, but Peter was the infamous Windmill Guy.)
So, that's where we stand heading into tonight, and given what we know about Jed, that may seem like a bit of a bummer.
After all, Peter was a fan favorite from the start, and poor Hannah wound up with a dude who was secretly in a relationship.
So in a way, we guess today's revelation that Peter also had a secret girlfriend is bittersweet.
Basically, Hannah would've wound up with a cheater regardless.
The long and short of it? The folks in charge of casting really need to do a better job of weeding out the d-bags.
Reality Steve also tweeted a bit about the Men Tell All special that was recorded last week and will air during the finale.
Steve says it'll basically be an hour-long Luke-bashing session, which is both totally unsurprising and totally welcome.
At one point, Hannah even apologizes to America for allowing Luke to remain on the show for long.
No need to say you're sorry, Ms. Beast, but -- actually on second thought, we're gonna go ahead and accept that apology.