The Hollywood Gossip Week in Review: August 22-28, 2009

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Welcome, celebrity gossip and news fans, to The Hollywood Gossip's Week in Review, wherein we take a look back at some of the stories that made this probably the most exciting week since ... probably last week. Some highlights:

  • After fleeing the U.S. following the grisly murder of Jasmine Fiore, fugitive from justice Ryan Jenkins was found dead in a British Columbia motel.
  • Chris Brown was given five years' probation for assaulting Rihanna - and warned by a judge about "chatter" regarding the two being in contact.
  • It was an uncharacteristically slow Robsten news week ... until the alleged purchase of a love nest by Kristen in which to carry on a torrid romance.
  • In a watershed music moment, Heidi Montag "sang" at the Miss Universe 2009 pageant. Heidi's performance was maybe even worse than expected.
  • Police found DJ AM dead in his New York City apartment Friday afternoon.
  • A big nightclub fight saw Jayde Nicole get her ass kicked ... by Joe Francis.
  • Angelina tells Brad he can go ahead and sleep on the couch. Yeah right.
  • We've heard this one before: Anne Heche says Coley Laffoon is a loser.

Anne Heche's deadbeat ex Coley Laffoon made an unlikely return to celeb news this week, causing a (very) brief lull in konstant Kourtney Kardashian koverage.

  • Kourtney Kardashian kreates headlines almost as well as she does babies.
  • Reports surfaced of an engaged Derek Jeter. No comment from Minka Kelly.
  • John Mayer's mug shot from 2001 was found. One a d-bag, always a d-bag.
  • Peeps in Bucharest really booed Madonna after she spoke out for gypsies.
  • Move over, Susan Boyle. Welcome, Danyl Johnson, Britain's new sensation.
  • Move over, Omer Bhatti. Welcome, Prince Michael Malachi Jet Jackson, the new alleged secret love child of the late, great star Michael Jackson.
  • As for Jackson's own kids, it's looking increasingly likely that Dr. Arnold Klein is the biological father of the first two. We're as confused as you.
  • In the investigation into Jackson's death, police pretty much believe nothing Dr. Conrad Murray says regarding the timeline of events June 25.
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"....Anne Heche says Coley Laffoon is a loser...."
Then why did she marry him? Sign me perplexed.