As you’re probably aware, David Eason has been unemployed for a very long time.
At this point, the gap in his resume is more like a yawning chasm that’s home to entire tribes of uncontacted peoples, as well as a rich eco-system of varied flora and fauna.
This guy has been living off of Jenelle Evans’ OnlyFans money for so long that he probably can’t even remember what he used to do for a living.
David has justified his unemployment with countless failed business ventures, but his latest attempt to side-step the working world might be the funniest one yet.
Last week, Eason released his debut hip-hop track, and the song is about what you would expect from a 35-year-old with no apparent musical background who decided to write, produce, and record a song entirely in his wife’s she-shed.
Actually, that’s not fair — the song is far worse than you would expect, even given those conditions.
It’s the kind of situation where you want to prove your objectivity by being like, “Actuallllly, this aspect of the song is not terrible,” but no — the sad fact of this track is that it sucks from top to bottom.
Eason is a dog-killing abuser of women, children, and animals, so he probably thinks the negative reaction to the song has more to do with his horribleness as a person than his horribleness as a rapper.
There’s probably a bit of that going on, but the song is legitimately terrible, and everyone would probably still be roasting it if it had been released by someone widely beloved, like Jesus or Keanu Reeves.
As you might have expected, David’s song is a three-minute ode to violence, in which he fantasizes about shooting a trespasser on Jenelle’s property.
Obviously, he doesn’t mention that his wife paid for The Land, as the truth of Eason’s situation doesn’t make for a very badass rapper persona.
Instead, David spits lyrics that sound like something Dr. Seuss would come up with if he developed a sudden obsession with firearms and trespassing:
“If you see me, please don’t stop me/ it’s detrimental, do you copy?/ Bullets coming you can’t stop it/ Shootin’ and killin’ is the topic/ Keep it rollin’ and don’t stop it/ Take a picture for your locket,” Eason raps.
(Having apparently misplaced his rhyming dictionary halfway through the recording process, David rhymes “locket” several times throughout the track.)
Interestingly, we first learned of the song’s existence when Eason roasted Tyler Baltierra’s musical debut on Facebook.
“Just finished a rap song, I guess. I can get a face tattoo now. Definitely not X’s on my eyes, that’s for sure!” David wrote on Facebook, referring to the cover art for Tyler’s single.
Then David releases his own song and what do you know? He’s got X’s on his eyes in the cover art!
The guy has never had an original thought in his head, but now he thinks he’s gonna get rich from copying other people’s sh-t.
On social media, the criticism has been so brutal that we’d feel bad if it were just about anyone else — but David’s got it coming.