Beyonce has reportedly become the victim of a new celebrity hacker.
Rather than exposing nude photos of the singer, however, as past hackers have done to such stars as Emma Watson, this online criminal apparently stumbled on something even more revealing.
And far more troubling:
Documents and text messages seem to prove Beyonce and Jay Z are behind an organization that keeps a close eye on all Beyonce-related chatter and activity around the world.
Haven’t you ever wondered why Beyonce was able to drop a secret album in 2013?
Not just drop the album, either, but write the songs and record all the tracks without a single word leaking to the public.
Or how the artist managed to shock the public not once, but TWICE with her pregnancy announcements?
Heck, Beyonce released an entire set of songs (the album "Lemonade") about her husband's alleged infidelity, even giving Jay Z's mistress a nickname ("Becky with the Good Hair")... without anyone ever learning her identity.
The information obtained in this recent hacking purports to explain why.
Beyonce is able to control her narrative to such an impressive extent because she has eyes everywhere. She has ears all across Hollywood.
The singer and her rapping other half are accused of funneling money across numerous channels (spy agencies, drone manufacturers, their own set of hackers, etc.) in order to stay one step ahead of all Beyonce gossip and news.
They focus especially on websites that are about to publish any anti-Beyonce pieces or newspapers that are thinking of trashing the singer's latest performance.
"U got intel on The Sun music critic?" Beyonce writes in one text uncovered by this hacking.
"Yes. On it. He won't be h8ting after we threaten to reveal his gambling debts," Jay Z writes back.
"Wut about TmZ story?" Beyonce asks in a separate text.
"There's a better chance of you and Kim Kardashian spending Christmas together than that story seeing the light of any day," he replies.
There's also an invoice on Beyonce's phone from a company called No Baysayers Allowed that references charges for "Hard Drive Wiping," "Paparazzi Camera Smashing" and "Perez Hilton Stalking."
If the idea of a shadow corporation clapping back against all stories that do not fit Beyonce's agenda sounds familiar, it's because Saturday Night Live aired a beloved sketch in 2013 about "The Beygency."
It featured host Andrew Garfield playing the role of someone who actually doesn't adore Beyonce.
The unusual horror, right?!?
As soon word leaks that such an individual exists, a group of men in dark suits and bowler hats sets out to make sure this critic's opinion does not leave his house.
They aim to silence him; to show him the error of his ways; to keep the dangerous situation under control and Queen Bey admired by all. And we mean ALL.
Beyonce actually reacted to the skit the day after it aired, simply writing "Haaaaaaaaaaaa" on Twitter.
But insiders say that the singer was laughing at all of us.
She supposedly planted the idea for this entire segment, figuring it would throw folks off the scent of her actual Beygency.
There's no way people would suspect her of running such a cabal if Saturday Night Live treated the concept as a parody... right?
Alas, Beyonce and Jay Z have now been exposed.
They are yet to comment on accusations that they bribe judges, blackmail reporters and use whatever means necessary to silence anyone that dares challenge their editorial authority on every aspect of their lives.
And do you know why they are yet to comment on this allegation?
Why they are yet to say a word about the charge that hackers busted into their phones and found damning conversations and documents?
BECAUSE IT'S NOT TRUE! WE MADE IT ALL UP!
HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!
We got ya, didn't we?!?