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Matt Baier is so douchey it hurts.

It’s painful, like sincerely, physically and emotionally painful to see him on Teen Mom OG, invading Amber Portwood’s life and heart and home.

But, as we can all so tragically see, it doesn’t look like we’re going to be rid of him anytime soon.

Matthew Baier Up Close
Photo via MTV

As of now, Amber still plans on marrying Matt, and you know he’s going to keep his creepy, opportunistic claws in her as long as humanly (or inhumanly, as it were) possible.

Oh, and speaking of opportunism, guess who wants to write his very own book!

Yep, Matt Baier is going the route of pretty much all the other Teen Mom stars — he’s planning on writing a tell-all book.

Matt Baier Book Cover
Photo via MTV

The book, as you can see — or as you could see, before you ripped out your own eyeballs so you’d never have to witness such horror again, is called You Have No F**king Idea: The Naked Truth About My Life.

(Someone please tell him that Necronomicon already happened and we don’t need anymore evil in this world, thanks.)

He revealed this news on this week’s episode of Teen Mom OG, and it was extra serious because Matt even talked to an actual publisher about the book.

"This is the perfect time for me to tell the truth about everything in my own words," he explained.

"Maybe it will clear things up with some people — and if nothing else, it’s going to be therapeutic for Amber and I."

Now, there’s a couple of issues with Matt’s thought process already.

One, he’s proven time and time again that he lies — to the public, to Amber, and perhaps most of all to himself — so why would we believe he’d be telling the truth in a memoir?

Matt Baier and Amber Picture
Photo via Instagram

The whole thing would probably just be a giant ego-stroking self-love fest for him: "I have three kids, no, I mean five, and I used to do drugs but now I don’t, I am also on TV, I am a god."

No thanks.

And two, how would it be therapeutic for him and Amber? What, are they going to read it together and talk about how great he is?

Well, probably. But still, just go to actual therapy, y’all.

While Matt was talking about the tell-all, he decided to go ahead and get a few things off his chest, right then and there, instead of waiting to write it in the book.

Baier With Us

This is where we learned that Matt is a lying liar who lies and lies — he said that even though Teen Mom OG made it seem like he was clean and sober when he got with Amber, that was not the case.

Amber was kind enough to paint a sad picture of how things actually went, saying "He wasn’t sober when I met him. And I knew it."

"I can say that he would not have been sober if it wasn’t for me, because I took those f-cking pills, poured them down the toilet and threw it at him."

Matt added that "That was the day my sobriety really kicked in … it was either her or drugs, and I wasn’t giving up her."

Amber Portwood Matt Baier Boat Pic
Photo via Facebook/Amber Portwood

Matt also felt the need to clear up those "rumors" that he tried to get with Farrah Abraham before ending up with Amber.

To be clear, it’s not so much a rumor as it was just a thing that happened on Twitter, but sure, we’ll go with it.

"This is the truth about the infamous Farrah tweet," he explained. "I was at a poker game; somebody had mentioned Farrah Abraham’s porn."

Yep, sounds terrible and completely implausible so far.

"He said, ‘Let’s see if she has a Twitter,’" he went on.

Farrah Abraham Bawlin'

"There was a tweet from Farrah that said something to the effect of, ‘I’m so sick of the online dating thing’ — I don’t remember what it said."

"He wrote, ‘Oh Farrah, I’ll take you to dinner sometime.’ On the record, I did not write that."

Because if you say something "on the record," that makes it true, right? Right?!

Oh, Matt. Oh, honey.

No. No, it really does not.