Malia Obama

NATIONAL EMERGENCY ALERT! NATIONAL EMERGENCY ALERT! 

America has a pressing, legitimate, highly dangerous situation on its hands along the southern border.

Well, it's Thanksgiving on Thursday, and some of you may be feeling like you're walking into the annual dinner table political debate with a depleted arsenal.

After all, ISIS hasn't been defeated in 30 days; Obamacare is still the law of the land; our borders remain wall-less; and our totally emotionally-stable president has declared war on Marshawn Lynch and Lavar Ball.

Before we delve into the matter of an 18-year-old attending a party where other people might have possibly been consuming alcoholic beverages, let's do a quick run-down of the week's top news stories, shall we?

Vital government agencies are being silenced; women are being denied life-saving services; 20 million are soon to be stripped of their healthcare; the disastrous Dakota Access Pipeline project is a go; our soon-to-be secretary of state is besties with Vladimir Putin; and our president is about to sanction discrimination on the grounds of religious beliefs.

Did you know that if the Affordable Care Act is repealed without an adequate replacement plan, more than half of the American population could be denied coverage due to pre-existing conditions?

That has nothing to do with this article; we just wanted to provide a little context for the fact that some folks are freaking out about a college-aged girl going to a party where other people might have been drinking.

Barack Obama paid moving tribute to his family last night.

Addressing the country for one final time as President of the United States, Obama detailed his many accomplishments over the years, emphasized the need for citizens to be actively involved in their democracy...

Yesterday, angry cartoon gourd Donald Trump won the Electoral College vote, thus ensuring that he'll be groping genitals in our nation's capital come January 20.

President Obama's time in office is soon to come to an end, and though the most powerful post in the country surely has its allure, we imagine the man will be somewhat relieved to bid the White House farewell.

For one thing, he'll no longer have to carry the hopes of the Western world on his shoulders and keep Joe Biden from choking on a Lego.

If you just woke up from a 20-year coma and this is your first time using the Internet, welcome!

Summer may be over for college students all over America, but Malia Obama wisely decided to take a year off between high school and her first semester at Harvard, which means the only thing she'll need to cram for is an introductory course on getting blazed.

Last month, photos and video surfaced online that appeared to show Malia Obama smoking pot at the Lollapalooza music festival.

If the tabloid headlines are to be believed (a big "if," if ever there was one) Malia Obama is having a summer that might best be described as "lit" by her peers and "a hellish, never-ending PR nightmare" by her parents.