Before we delve into the matter of an 18-year-old attending a party where other people might have possibly been consuming alcoholic beverages, let's do a quick run-down of the week's top news stories, shall we?
Vital government agencies are being silenced; women are being denied life-saving services; 20 million are soon to be stripped of their healthcare; the disastrous Dakota Access Pipeline project is a go; our soon-to-be secretary of state is besties with Vladimir Putin; and our president is about to sanction discrimination on the grounds of religious beliefs.
In short, we're all f--ked.
But anyway, we came here to talk about a real scandal: a legal adult attending a film festival in that hotbed of salacious behavior, rural Utah!
Yes, according to Radar Online Malia Obama was at Sundance this week, and all eyes were on the former first daughter for signs of a slip-up that could be used to further enrage the millions of Americans who are still pissed about her father's blackness.
Unfortunately, she didn't morph into Lindsay Lohan the day her family moved out of the White House, so we'll have go right on paying attention to the fact that our current president wants to turn out southern border a $25 billion border wall. Bummer.
So what sort of behavior did Malia engage in in Park City that might warrant the attention of the tabloid press?
Well apparently she attended a "controversial new film," which wouldn't even be newsworthy if this were the world's slowest news week and Malia weren't interning for a prominent indie film producer.
But as it happens, Malia is currently working for Harvey Weinstein and American democracy is dying a slow painful death as we speak, which means the fact that a single tabloid editor saw this story and said, "I want 1,000 words on my desk yesterday!" is evidence that we're living in a dystopian nightmare dreamed up by the ghosts of Orwell and Philip K. Dick.
The messed up thing is, this story will gain traction, just like it did when Malia "partied" at a club last week.
The narrative began with images of Malia "smoking pot" at Lollapalooza over the summer, and it shows no signs of letting up,
We understand the need to distract yourself from the real, terrifying political news of the moment, but there are easier ways to get outraged over nonsense.
Just check out Trump's Twitter page.
Last we checked, he was still bitching about the size of his inauguration crowd, because we are truly living in the darkest timeline.