Did you know that if the Affordable Care Act is repealed without an adequate replacement plan, more than half of the American population could be denied coverage due to pre-existing conditions?
That has nothing to do with this article; we just wanted to provide a little context for the fact that some folks are freaking out about a college-aged girl going to a party where other people might have been drinking.
Yes, it's time for another Malia Obama "partying scandal."
So get ready to clutch your pearls and spew your Earl Grey all over the screen, as you read the shocking account of a soon-to-be Harvard student who went out with friends and ... danced!
According to Radar Online, Malia hit up a D.C. night spot over the weekend.
The site notes that Malia "made the cut" for the club's 18 and up night, because that's how age limits work.
Radar also reports that "Malia was not seen drinking, but she was definitely having a good time."
We assume they added "nudge, nudge ... ya know - 'a good time.'" *makes join smoking gesture with fingers*
So it seems that unlike Mike Pence, Malia has the capacity to enter an establishment where alcohol is being served without instantly morphing into Keith Richards.
"She was dancing scandalously and twerking," the source told Radar.
"She was with a bunch of young, tough body guards but they looked too young to be Secret Service. A guy came up to her and tried to flirt but she didn't give him the time of day. She looked like she was having a great time."
As far as we can tell, the only thing remotely scandalous about this story is that Malia might have just become the first teenager to twerk non-ironically since 2014.
This is the latest non-scandal Malia scandal to emerge in recent months.
It all started when the First Daughter was "caught" smoking pot at Lollapalooza back in August.
And by "caught," we mean she took a hit off a joint because it's 2017 and no one cares about a legal adult smoking weed.
Despite the innocuous nature of Malia's "partying," the tabloid press has continued to run with the wild chi;d narrative.
At one point, several outlets breathlessly reported that Malia was headed to rehab.
Although this story might have reached peak ridiculousness with the rumors of Malia sexting Ray J, he of the Kim Kardashian sex tape fame.
And you thought the election of a reality star who's beholden to a hostile foreign power was the most ridiculous thing to happen in politics last year!
Well, you're right. It was.
But the Malia stuff is pretty nutty, too!
Now, if you'll excuse us, this bunker isn't gonna stock itself with Dinty Moore.