Well, it’s Thanksgiving on Thursday, and some of you may be feeling like you’re walking into the annual dinner table political debate with a depleted arsenal.
After all, ISIS hasn’t been defeated in 30 days; Obamacare is still the law of the land; our borders remain wall-less; and our totally emotionally-stable president has declared war on Marshawn Lynch and Lavar Ball.
But don’t worry, you can always divert attention away from the issues by focusing on the fact that … college kids are getting drunk!
Yes, Malia Obama (or Obummer, if you’re so inclined! Derp!) is a student at Harvard now, which means that instead of engaging in activities that are appropriate for presidential offspring (colluding with foreign dictators, slaughtering elephants for fun, etc.), she’s busy hitting the books.
But while Malia’s more studious than, say, Eric Trump, who we hear isn’t allowed to use paste without supervision, she’s still a 19-year-old girl, so it’s no surprise that she likes to occasionally cut loose.
Sadly, instead of enjoying wholesome activities like sliding into the Kremlin’s DMs or cramming a tusk into her carry-on, Malia is drinking, hooking up with dudes, and yes … puffing on the devil’s lettuce.
In short, Malia has been "partying," and for some reason, that’s being treated as news.
According to TMZ, Malia was spotted making out with some guy while tailgating before this weekend’s Harvard-Yale football game.
Other reports are taking things a step further, with claims that Malia acted "pretty drunk" at the game.
One witness even claims she was spotted smoking weed outside a pizza place prior to the big game, which is literally the most college thing we’ve ever heard.
As folks who creepily fixate on the private lives of teenage girls can tell you, this isn’t the first time that Malia’s been spotted–in the words of one witness–"living her best life."
Over the summer, Malia went to Lollapalooza, where she puffed on some jazz cabbage and danced with her friends, like she was some sort of college kid at a music festival or something.
So there you have it, folks.
Come Thursday, when your sicko lib-cuck nephew is asking you to pass the tofurkey, you can inform him that he supports the party of degeneracy.
Of course, it’s possible you’ll have choked to death on your Stove Top by then, what with having been forced to suffer the sight of kneeling football players and grimace your way through pre-meal prayers that don’t end with a rousing chant of "merry Christmas!"
Stay strong out there, patriots!