NATIONAL EMERGENCY ALERT! NATIONAL EMERGENCY ALERT!
America has a pressing, legitimate, highly dangerous situation on its hands along the southern border.
But it has nothing to do with the building of any walls... and everything to do with what former First Daughter Malia Obama was up to over the weekend in Miami.
In stunning news broken by The Daily Mail, Malia - the oldest daughter of Barack and Michelle Obama and a student at Harvard University - was spotted just a few days ago in Florida.
She was with friends.
She was "flaunting" her body in a black bathing suit, as some sexist and ridiculous headlines stated and, most damning of all, she was drinking a bottle of rosé wine by the pool.
At 20 years old.
Yes, Malia Obama is a few months shy of legal drinking age and yet there she was, holding an $80 bottle of a brand called Whispering Angel as if this were perfectly fine, normal and ethical.
In fact, she wasted "nothing as she [poured] the last of the bottle into her glass," read a caption to one of the photos published by this British publication.
For shame, right?
What? No? Not at all? Because Malia is a private citizen who is acting like every other college student her age at the moment?
That's a fair point. We didn't stop to consider it.
The Daily Mail posted several snapshots of Malia on this vacation, labeling it as a "wild weekend away" despite Obama doing nothing but sitting on a chair and walking under an umbrella.
Thankfully, while some folks on the Internet truly did react with shock and horror to these photos, others came to the only two rational conclusions one ought to arrive at as a result of this story:
1. Malia should absolutely, positively, in no uncertain terms be left alone.
2. Malia should maybe find some new friends because someone on this trip with her most likely sold these pictures to the highest bidder.
Sadly, Malia has often been at the center of similar "attacks" from critics.
She was accused in November of 2017 of being wasted at a Harvard football game.
A few months later, she dared to dance all around and have fun at a music festival.
Talk about wild and scandalous behavior!
Malia is a sophomore at college and, as far as we know, has now returned to Boston after this long weekend away in Miami.
Because the heat was "unrelenting" down south, according to The Daily Mail, the 20-year old was spotted at one point with "two cold drinks" in her hands.
But here's the troubling thing:
One of these drinks "resembled a cocktail," the newspaper has written, although it has not yet confirmed whether this beverage did, indeed, include any alcohol.
We'll make some phone calls and analyze some footage as soon as possible and report back with our findings about the drink.