Yesterday, angry cartoon gourd Donald Trump won the Electoral College vote, thus ensuring that he'll be groping genitals in our nation's capital come January 20.
On the same day, the Russian ambassador to Turkey was assassinated as a direct result of Vladimir Putin's involvement in the ongoing massacre in Aleppo, serving as a reminder of the dangerous entanglement of alliances in Eastern Europe and the Middle East, which historians warn have created a volatile situation frighteningly similar to the circumstances that preceded World War I.
Trump has close ties to Russia and Putin, so much so that his secretary of state nominee, Rex Tillerson, was awarded Russia's highest civilian honor as thanks for brokering hundreds of millions of dollars in Russian oil deals, which are currently on hold due to US sanctions.
What does all of this have to do with Malia Obama smoking pot?
Well, not much on the surface (or at all, really), but before we get to the trumped-up (no pun intended) gossip that you came for, we thought we'd remind you that:
1. There are far more important things happening in Washington at the moment than a legal adult contracting a case of the munchies, and
2. If you have an 18-year-old in your life, you should probably encourage them to get in all their bad behavior now, as they might not get a chance later, and they're probably less likely to be chosen for the Hunger Games if they're all glassy-eyed.
“Malia’s been caught up in a lot of scandal, and now she’s been MIA at a lot of family events," one "insider" tells Radar Online.
"People are wondering if she went to rehab or if she’s just hiding out.”
“She’s been an embarrassment to Barack and Michelle, so it’s no wonder they want her out of the picture,” adds the source, who probably went on to bust out a bunch of charts that fully explain #Pizzagate.
made-up unidentified insider adds that the first sign of trouble was when Malia and her sister Sasha weren't by President Obama's side during his annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon.
Obama dismissed their absences, explaining, "They just couldn’t take my jokes anymore,” but wake up, sheeple! Clearly, she was strapped to a hospital bed somewhere, convulsing from the pot withdrawals!
“The Obamas didn’t raise their daughter to behave like this,” says the source, who we're increasingly convinced is Trump's imaginary PR guy John Miller.
“Michelle blamed Barack for Malia’s wild behavior and pot-smoking, and said their daughter obviously got it from him."
Yes, clearly, the President of the United States of America has been low-key living the life of a Hunter S. Thompson caricature, and his psychedelic shenanigans have rubbed off on his eldest daughter.
For shame, sir!
In case you methed the part of your brain that picks up on sarcasm out of existence, we don't actually think that Malia's alleged drug use is worthy of national attention.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a bunker to stock with canned goods.