Like the hero of a Disney movie, Meghan Markle rose above humble beginnings and stiff opposition from a bunch of stodgy curmudgeons to find love with an actual prince.
Sadly, the similarities don't end there, as -- like so many animated protagonists before her -- Meghan also had to contend with an abusive parent and a wicked half-sister straight out of central casting.
Her name is Samantha Markle, and if you're not familiar with her nefarious ways it might be best if you just stop reading here ...
... Ol' Sam is cartoonishly evil, and you've probably read about enough horrors and villains in the past year.
From the moment Meghan entered the spotlight, Samantha has made it her mission to destroy the Duchess.
That might sound dramatic, but the 56-year-old failed actress has said as much on several occasions.
And to her credit -- we suppose -- she really has put a lot of effort into seeing her goal to fruition.
Samantha has employed every strategy in the character assassination handbook to tear down her globally-beloved sister.
Her reason for doing so?
Tough to say, but it seems that Samantha is very jealous, and very, very bored.
Sam has given interviews in which she slammed Meghan as "disgusting" for "abandoning her family."
(The idea that Meghan had an obligation to never marry or leave home is a favorite of Sam's.)
She's accused Meghan of trying to kill their father (who also sucks) by daring to live a life in the public eye, something that apparently causes Thomas Markle "stress."
Samantha has even been turned away from Kensington Palace after paying a "surprise visit" to Meghan as part of some ridiculous publicity stunt/smear campaign.
But the biggest weapon in Samantha's arsenal has always been her long-threatened tell-all,
For years now, Samantha has been promising a memoir that she says will expose Meghan's secrets and dramatically alter the way she's perceived by fans.
It would be incredibly stressful to know that anyone was planning to write a book like that about you, but imagine if the threat was coming from within your own family.
Now, after years in the making, it seems Sam's book -- the obnoxiously titled The Diary of Princess Pushy’s Sister Part 1 (yes, apparently there will be sequels) -- is finally ready for publication.
It seems the book is set to come out next week -- and according to a new report from In Touch, Meghan is deeply upset about it.
A source says Meghan “feels sick to her stomach” about half-sister Samantha Markle‘s upcoming book, but she “won’t act bothered or upset about [it] in public,”
Not surprisingly, the same insider says Prince Harry is “totally supporting Meghan and doesn’t believe a word that comes out of Samantha’s mouth.”
Despite the fact that she's been public bullying Meghan for years -- and, we would assume, privately bullying her for much longer than that -- Samantha insists the book is no hit piece.
“I don’t know if she will be comfortable with it. Some things she will and some things she won’t,” Samantha UK tabloid The Sun.
“It’s fair and balanced. Naturally, some things she will like and some things she won’t. Truth is stranger than fiction, and I have predicated myself on the truth.”
Yes, she went ahead and used the Fox News slogan, as though we didn't already know this is royal history for the MAGA crowd.
“It’s relatable. There’s a lot to learn — the good, the bad and the ugly," Samantha added, using another cliche beloved by mean-spirited hacks.
"I’ve been very forthcoming that I was never writing a hardbound tabloid. I said that two years ago, but nobody wanted to believe it.”
That's funny, because a press release from the book's publisher, Barnes and Noble, offers a very different description:
“Amidst a firestorm of fake news and media mayhem, Samantha Markle shares the truth about her life and family against all odds and ultimatums, as a royal fairytale plummets from the tea towels," the statement reads.
Yeah, the name-calling literally starts in the title.
We were actually better able to tolerate Sammy when she was open and honest about her desire to ruin her sister's life.