Skip to Content

By now, we’re sure you’ve heard the news that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have stepped down as senior members of the royal family.

And since everybody and their wicked step-brother is an expert on royalty all of a sudden, we’re sure you’ve also encountered quite a few hot take opinions on the matter.


Speaking of nefarious pseudo-siblings, one person we mercifully haven’t had to hear from very much throughout all of this is Meghan’s evil half-sister, Samantha Markle.

Now, the reason for this is not that Sam has given up on her efforts to ruin Meghan’s life.

No, it’s just that the media has wised up and realized that no one is interested in Samantha’s semi-literate ramblings.

You see, Sam may have helped the British tabloid press whip the public into a racist frenzy, but now that the job is done, it seems they’ve decided to cut ties with the professional troll.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Are Outta There

Unfortunately, that’s the only sound decision the British press has made in the past few weeks, as Meghan’s father, Thomas Markle, remains disappointingly un-exiled.

In fact, it appears that he’s more in demand than ever these days.

Over the weekend, the the U.K.’s Channel 5 aired a documentary with the hilariously pretentious title of Thomas Markle: My Story.

You might remember Thomas as the douche bag who sold a letter he received from Meghan to a British tabloid, which is such an over-the-top act of villainy that it would be impossible to believe if it came from a family any less evil than the Markles.

Thomas Markle on Good Morning Britain Again

And since tearing his daughter down is the apparently the only thing Thomas has ever been good at, he really doubled down in the trashy doc about his life:

"They are turning [the royal family] into a Walmart with a crown on," he said of Meghan and Harry.

"This is not the girl I raised."

We have no idea what that analogy means, and Thomas certainly doesn’t either, but it perpetuates the notion of Meghan as some trashy American social-climber, so it made the final cut.

Markle and Prince Harry

"It’s kind of embarrassing to me," Thomas continued.

"When they got married, they took on an obligation, and the obligation is to be part of the royals and to represent the royals. And it would be foolish for them not to," he added.

"This is one of the greatest long-living institutions ever. They are destroying it, they are cheapening it, making it shabby… they shouldn’t be doing this."

If it sounds like Thomas is talking out of his ass, that’s because he is.

Meghan and Thomas Markle

Someone wrote him a check, put a camera in front of him and told to kiss some royal arse while trashing his daughter, and he promptly started doing exactly that.

The fact that none of his arguments makes sense matters not to Thomas, his employers, or the people watching this drivel.

"It’s disappointing because she actually got every girl’s dream," Thomas says at one point.

"Every young girl wanted to become a princess and she got that and now she’s tossing that away, for, it looks like she’s tossing that away for money."

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry Get Serious

Sigh. Sometimes, we don’t even know where to start with this fool.

For one thing, the guy who faked a heart attack to get out of attending the royal wedding is accusing other people of embarrassing him?

That’s rich.

On top of that, does Thomas really think Meghan and Harry are doing this for money?! 

Or is he simply a graduate of the Samantha Markle school of Spewing Whatever Bonkers Accusation Pops Into Your Head and Hoping Someone Will Pay You For It?

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry Get Fancy

It was announced this week that Meghan and Harry plan to pay back the $3.1 million the crown spent on renovations for their home at Frogmore Cottage.

So if these two are money-hungry grifters, they’re really, really bad at it.

Hey, speaking of money-hungry grifters, can we take a moment and enjoy the silver lining that is the forced silence of Samantha Markle?

The British press is paying any idiot with an opinion to trash Meghan on camera these days, and even they want nothing to do with Scammy Sammy.

Maybe 2020 isn’t looking so bleak, after all!