Samantha Markle to Meghan Markle: I Will Destroy You!

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Earlier this week, we reported on Meghan Markle's latest humanitarian efforts.

Eschewing more photo-op friendly affairs like animal adoption drives or church bake sells, Meghan reached out to sex workers in the city of Bristol.

Meghan Markle Happy

In a deeply personal gesture, Meghan connected with the women by jotting inspirational messages on the peels of the bananas they would eat at breakfast.

No doubt for many of them, it was the first time in years that they'd started their day on a positive note. 

It was the sort of move that reminded us that Meghan is not your typical royal.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry on a Walk

Before marrying Prince Harry, the Duchess of Sussex struggled; she worked to build a career for herself -- and she overcame tremendous odds to find success in Hollywood.

Were it not for Meghan's difficult upbringing, perhaps she wouldn't be capable of such tremendous compassion.

So in a sense, the awful Markle family did the world a favor.

Meghan and Samantha Markle Split Pics

But in another, more accurate sense, Samantha Markle and her minions are traitorous trolls, and we wish they'd disappear back under the bridge from whence they came.

Samantha has been teasing a tell-all memoir about Meghan for years, but since the Duchess' chauffeur probably knows more about her personal life, every publisher on the planet has passed.

So Sam is taking matters into her own hand and self-publishing a two-volume memoir entitled -- we sh-t you not -- In the Shadows of the Duchess I and In the Shadows of the Duchess II.

Samantha Grant

Take a moment to catch your breath and wipe the tears of hilarity from your eyes before continuing.

In a recent interview with The Daily Star, Sam promises to reveal a "truth" so damaging that it will destroy her beloved sister.

There's really no point in trying to figure out why that would be Sam's goal in life -- she's basically the Heath Ledger Joker at this point.

Samantha Markle on TV

“You’ve got to read my book to see what things were really like,” Samantha told the tabloid, adding that she vows to “cover everything from behind the scenes that the world does not know about. And trust me, there is a lot.”

“I have a very big mouth and speak my mind – as the world can see – at any cost, even if it makes me unpopular, but I tell the truth even if it makes me unpopular,” she continued.

“[I have] never been afraid of the truth because if the truth makes me lose friends then they weren’t friends that I wanted to have anyway.”

Meghan Markle and Her Bump

While it's awful that Samantha is so obsessed with ruining her sister's life, we have to reluctantly giver her props for what might be the most hilarious  book titles ever.

In the Shadows of the Duchess I and II?!

Are these tell-all memoirs that double as Star Wars fanfic?

Sadly, we'll never find out, as there's no way we're giving a dime to the most persistent blonde troll this side of Tomi Lahren's Twitter page.

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