Is there nothing that Farrah Abraham won’t do for attention?
Whether it’s getting super racist on reality television or using her latest breakup to stir up sympathy, Farrah seems to need attention whether it’s good or bad and it’s clear that she’ll cross any boundary to get it.
In her latest ploy, she got some procedures on her butt and on her vagina … and shared the photos with the world.
Remember the good old days, when if you wanted to make yourself younger and more beautiful, you just bathed in the blood of virgins?
Technology has improved … or at least changed those techniques.
Which is great news for virgins everywhere.
Farrah Abraham has already availed herself of several cosmetic procedures.
She got her first boob job when she was 19, remember.
(We say first because it was not her last — just a couple of years ago, Farrah Abraham got her third boob job, because that’s a great sign that someone’s healthy)
She’s also had rhinoplasty.
To her credit, she hasn’t been especially secretive about her cosmetic procedures.
This time, she got vaginal rejuvenation … and got her butt tightened.
To be clear, by "butt tightened," we mean that she got the skin of her butt tightened.
She didn’t get, like, steroids injected into her anal muscles (which is probably not a real procedure) or whatever.
(As far as we know)
The skin procedure is apparently called "Exilis," according to RadarOnline‘s source — RadarOnline is also the place where Farrah Abraham shared her procedure photos.
"The procedure heats up the skin with radio frequency to tighten the skin and tissue," their insider says.
"It goes deep and gets rid of cellulite to make everything tight and firm."
If you don’t even like the sensation of holding a hot to-go bag on your lap during a car ride, this procedure might not be for you.
It sounds like the sort of thing that you could have on other areas of skin, but Farrah seems determined to make her ass as perfect as she can get it.
(Aren’t we all?)
And then came the vaginal rejuvenation, which sounds like an odd procedure to perform on a 26-year-old.
"The procedure is performed with a wand that is inserted and moved back and forth for four minutes to tighten the walls of the uterus. It is beneficial for sex so you’re not wide. It also helps with moisture and lubrication."
Weird that it impacts the uterine walls, since there’s presumably no way that the wand is going past Farrah’s cervix.
(Sorry; we’re many things but we’re not gynecologists)
We’ll get to what are and are not factors in vaginal tightness in a moment, but that whole procedure sounds weird.
Then, of course, comes the exterior vaginal rejuvenation.
(Which, of course, doesn’t involve the vagina at all)
"When the clitoris and outside lips are stretched out and long, it shrinks them and makes the vagina from the outside look youthful."
It’s normal for a clitoris to grow over time as you age, for the record. And while genitals may "sag" with age, some labia minora are just longer than others.
But, hey, Farrah can make her genitals look however she likes.
As for her bringing a camera into the room for the procedure … that’s almost unimaginably awkward.
The photos don’t show any sexy angles or anything.
You mostly just see Farrah smiling awkwardly while a young-looking technician, whose hands are hidden by a privacy cloth, appears to be manipulating the "wand" tool inside of Farrah.
(We hope that her job pays enough)
In a ludicrous claim made to HollywoodLife, Farrah’s ex, Simon Saran, says that he somehow deserves credit for Farrah getting that vaginal rejuvenation.
"I don’t blame her, I’m very big. Wouldn’t be fair to the next guy."
So, you know how you put your hair up into a ponytail or a bun or something before sleep, but after what doesn’t feel like all that many uses, your hair ties start to loosen and they don’t grip your hair as well?
Well vaginas work just like that.
Vaginas aren’t hair ties, folks.
The tightness of a vagina has to do with numerous factors, including biology and muscle tone and level of arousal.
These are canals that can expel a literal entire baby and then shrink back to their previous size.
Nobody human’s penis is going to wreck somebody’s hooha so bad that they just can’t recover.
We don’t claim to have any special knowledge of Simon Saran’s penis in particular, but we’re always leery of men who seem to feel compelled to assure everyone that they’re especially well endowed.
And by "leery of," we mean that they are seldom to be believed.
Pro tip for life: when someone boasts about something, that’s almost certainly an insecurity of theirs, whether it’s their wealth or dick size or how effective or otherwise their three-ring circus of a presidential administration has turned out to be.
Now, Farrah Abraham has been through some genuine bad times.
We’re all aware of her sad history of rape and abuse, and those monstrous acts can change you for the rest of your life.
But as a celebrity — and, as we said, Farrah is 26 years old and, after doing a porn tape, is an adult celebrity in every sense of the word — Farrah has an obligation to think about the people whom she represents.
That is: other survivors of rape and abuse.
Farrah’s pattern of obnoxious statements and bad behavior don’t do anything to cast other survivors in a positive light.