On Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 10, the drama continued in Montauk for Stassi's birthday, with tempers rising hotter than temperatures.
Back in La La Land, Lala Kent finally surfaced, but Lisa was so taken aback by the slew of recent rumors that she pondered a change.
If you watch Vanderpump Rules online, you know Stassi is single, but not exactly ready to mingle following the end of her last relationship.
Her confidence is at an all-time low, she explains:
"[Like,] 'Well, I spray tan once a week. I love a good blowout, and my exercise is shopping online.’ … Oh, my God, who would date me?”
A fair question, if you pitch yourself that way.
Katie told Stassi to get her flirt on, but Scheana Shay and Kristen Doute distracted her when they committed a major clambake faux pas.
“I don’t really eat fish,” Scheana whined about the food. “You shouldn’t eat anything with claws. I mean, are you going to eat a cat?”
Stassi luckily got a second chance to "flex her single muscle" as Katie put it when she found herself alone with a hot guy in a hot tub.
“I hate to say it, but maybe Stassi should ask herself, ‘What would Lala do?’” Katie said, noting the irony of channeling her inner enemy.
Not the worst idea if you're single and horny AF ...
Unfortunately, the hot tub quickly turned cold.
Drunk Kyle forgot Stassi’s name, insulted her swimsuit and told her that she looked like Steve Jobs ... seriously. That's pretty rough.
Stassi got out of that hot tub faster than Jax Taylor tells a lie when cornered about his previous behavior. In other words, very quickly.
In other birthday news, 31-year-old Ariana Madix's NASCAR weekend turned into a drama-fest between Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright.
"Jax can honestly be the sweetest, most generous, loving guy," Brittany said. "But then he can also be the biggest asshole on the planet."
Pretty much, yes. Pretty much exactly that.
At the race, Tom Schwartz jokingly asked if the ladies would show off some skin; Ariana and Brittany laughed and denied that request.
Jax, however, felt he should volunteer Brit for this.
Why? “I paid for them,” he reasoned, referring to Brittany’s breasts, and Ariana was rightfully disgusted by Jax’s disrespectful comments.
“Your girlfriend is actually not a car,” she said. “You can’t just walk around showing everybody what’s under the hood whenever you want.”
Later, Ariana sat Brittany down to talk to her about Jax’s misogynist antics, which Brittany was clueless about in more ways than one.
“What does ‘misogynist’ mean?” Brittany asked.
“He gives me massages?”
Can't make this up.
After Ariana explained it all, Brittany did confront Jax ... with mixed results, as anyone who has ever tried to confront Jax can relate to.
In vintage Jax fashion, he flipped the script and said that the real problem in all of this is that Ms. Cartwright doesn’t “appreciate him.”
“Sometimes I ask for a turkey sandwich, and I only get ham,” Jax said, without irony, as he attempted to play the victim in all of this.
Guy is basically human garbage, but oh-so entertaining.
Back in Los Angeles, Lala Kent resurfaced after bailing on Ariana’s birthday ... and unfollowed Ariana on Instagram before going to SUR.
There, Lisa asked Lala why she bailed on the trip.
Near tears, Lala admitted that she's pissed at the way she's being treated by her SUR co-workers, who are “saying that I’m a homewrecker.”
Just because Lala Kent gives good dome and her man treats her like a real sugar daddy would doesn't mean he's married, dammit!
(It's not clear whether he is or is not married.)
Accusing the staff of spreading “lies” about her mysterious relationship, “I think it’s best for me to walk away from this work place,” Lala said.
Lisa didn’t have time for any of that, though.
“Time to grow up now,” Lisa said. “If you quit, you’re going to give some people a lot of satisfaction, and I don’t think you want to do that.”
LVP. Always runnin' the show like a BAUSS.