With the recent, saddening news of a Scheana and Mike Shay divorce, those who watch Vanderpump Rules online have to be wondering:
Will Tom and Katie suffer a similar fate?
On Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 5, Schwartz and Maloney decided that, issues aside, they wanted to go on and get hitched ASAP.
Should their fans be concerned?
Lisa Vanderpump, for one, was. The SUR boss took issue with the nuptials and told them to sort out their problems before it's too late.
And they have problems, boy.
Tom became visibly stressed when the wedding budget started creeping upward, but one wonders if that's all he's really worried about.
When car shopping for Lisa (which was obviously a thing that happened), he joked that instead of a wedding, they should buy a Porsche.
Katie then flipped the f--k out on him.
“You don’t even joke about not having a wedding to a girl three months away from her own wedding,” she said, clearly not taking the joke.
She stormed off, making a comment about Schwartz's “d--k that doesn’t work," which might be a bigger issue than their wedding budget.
“I’m not getting cold feet,” Tom insisted later.
“They’re a little chilly, but they’re not cold.”
Sure thing. Anyone who knows Tom Schwartz knows that he is the human embodiment of cold feet ... in general. Not just about weddings.
Saying that he's afraid of commitment is like saying James Kennedy is a douche. Do you even need to make such an obvious statement?
Speaking of James, he received this helpful advice from Tom Sandoval: “Sometimes a good j--k-off in the mirror is good after you get fired."
No word if he took that message to heart.
James said that his girlfriend, Raquel Leviss, knew all about the sex rumors that led to his firing, but insisted that he is in fact innocent.
Another SURver revealed to Lala Kent that she had also slept with James, however, and she had the pictures to prove her side of the story.
Naturally, Scheana Shay invited James’ rumored lover, Ellie, to dinner to dish on the alleged cheating and show off the risque evidence.
Ellie told Scheana she took and time stamped the pics of the hookup because she knew James would try to deny it and call her “crazy.”
It's like she's inside the guy's head!
“Yeah, it is a little weird that Ellie took a selfie in bed with James, but I kind of see where she’s coming from,” Scheana told the cameras.
Meanwhile, the blame game for James' firing continued as Kristen Doute confronted Ariana Madix about her friendship with the DJ.
The gulf between Ariana and her former friends continued to widen, while Lala found herself the subject of some scandalous gossip too.
Given her displays of wealth on her modest salary, staff members assumed that she must be dating a rich guy ... who is also married.
Confronted by her boss, Kent denied it, but Lisa noted.
“You look like you’re going a little shade of pink.”
Lala Kent: Fantastic body. Terrible poker face.
Lala said she only blushed because Lisa, a “mother figure” to her, was asking about a touchy subject, but again denied banging a married man.
“I have a guy who definitely spoils me rotten, but he’s not the married guy they’re talking about,” she claimed before telling the cameras:
“He likes to reward me because I give good dome.”
If you're not clear on what that means, based on the context and the fact that it's Ms. Kent boasting about it, look it up on Urban Dictionary.
We have zero doubt that this is a true statement Lala is making, but other co-stars remained unconvinced that she has nothing to hide.
Stassi Schroeder told Kristen and Scheana that she knew exactly who Lala’s boyfriend is, and that his marital status is not a secret.
Schroeder revealed this to her co-workers:
“I found out yesterday that the way the wife found out [about Lala] is she went through his phone and found sex tape videos of them."
“Every time I think shadier s--t can’t get more shady, it gets worse," she said of the fact that a Lala Kent sex tape may be in existence.
To which, all we can say is ... *gulp*
Stassi's clearly right about one thing:
Just when you think this Bravo show can't get any more ridiculous, something or someone manages to take it to another level entirely.