Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 2 Recap: Kristen Doute is Going DOWN!!

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On Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 2, Brittany made it clear she could end her relationship with Jax for spreading rumors about her. 

Did she, though? Or was that an idle threat?

Meanwhile, Lisa planned a canine charity event, and Tom Schwartz started the inevitable freakout over the fact that he agreed to get married.

If you watch Vanderpump Rules online, you know Lisa loves her four-legged friends, so her throwing a charity event for them is a given.

As is Kristen Doute showing up to start drama.

Of course, the girl-on-girl sex bombshell that was dropped last week's premiere didn't take long at all to permeate this installment as well.

“I hear she’s very giving,” Lisa remarked, referring to her penchant for charitable donations ... and/or performing oral on Brittany Cartwright.

Hearing this remark, Brittany was PISSED.

Not at Lisa, or at Kristen, but at boyfriend Jax Taylor, who happened to start the wildfire rumor in the first place (even if he'll deny this).

“If you really love me, why don’t you have my back?” Brittany demanded, while the alleged giver denied that the oral sex took place.

“It was just like a blur,” Kristen, also a known liar, said, despite Lisa's skepticism. “One hundred percent, I did not go down on Brittany.”

Speaking of same-sex love (albeit somewhat more platonically), Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz treated themselves to a spa day.

“Should we make eye contact the whole time?” Schwartz joked during their couple’s massage, which was actually a thing that happened.

When talk turned to Schwartz and Katie Maloney's wedding, and how they had very different ideas about it, Sandoval summed it up best.

“You guys maybe need to look at some therapy or something, dude,” he said of the often indecisive, almost hilariously passive couple.

Tom and Katie of Vanderpump Rules

Lala Kent, meanwhile, was also in something of a reflective mood, telling her mom that “I feel I’m turning into a very, like, vicious person."

Her mother suggested that Lala might be acting out because she was bullied as a kid, and suggested that maybe she could stop drinking.

Seconds later, Lala ordered up some wine.

“When I say my mother knows everything, she knows everything,” she said, describing just how close the two of them are.

She's not kidding, either: “Down to the fact that I lost my virginity with a red condom to the song ‘Lollipop’ by Lil Wayne.”

Good to know. Lala did admit that maybe she can cut down on the booze, and with them, the “vicious bitch” tendencies.

“Everybody knows how I feel about bitches,” Lisa said, in the most predictable canned line of all time as her charity event got underway.

She said this as Stassi and Kristen arrived, coincidentally.

The aforementioned gruesome twosome made sure to carry a couple of cute dogs when they approached the boss, for obvious reasons.

"I’m disarming her with my pups,” the polarizing Stassi explained before complimenting Lisa on the event being such a huge success.

“There’s no way Lisa could be mean to me."

"You’re saying something good and positive?” Lisa questioned her immediately, raising her eyebrows as if she'd seen a ghost or something.

Stassi being nice is pretty jarring, admittedly.

Lisa asked the pair to donate to the charity, unable to resist that Kristen has been known to give “some people more than what they need."

Kristen Doute Drinking

To Lisa’s pleasure, Kristen immediately cringed.

“I’m speechless,” Doute said after that quote. 

Bottom line? “Jax is a f--king a--hole.”

Well, yeah, but that's like saying James is a drunken moron. Don't we all know that by now? Speaking of which, that happened again.

Staff members informed Lisa that the British BMW-driving DJ acted like an intoxicated buffoon, which he blamed on “jealousy”  as usual.

“I don’t want to sound cocky, but I’m young, I’m good-looking, I’m a f--king DJ in Los Angeles,” James said. “I’m f--king killing the game here.”

What a douche.

James did attempt to apologize, FWIW, but Katie expressed doubts that Kennedy would ever change, and their boss seemed to agree.

“If James is at fault, he will definitely be let go,” Lisa said.

She insisted, “I’m not going to put up with it.”

Sure. Not like we've heard that one before.

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