Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 1 Recap: Don't You F--king Sit on Old D--ks All Day Long?!

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The SURvers of L.A. are back and better than ever, baby.

On Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 1, an utterly astonishing rumor threatened to put Jax Taylor's entire relationship at risk. 

No, not the rumor that he's a complete and utter train wreck even on his best days and kind of a piece of human garbage on his worst.

That's already been confirmed! Just kidding. No, really ...

If you watch Vanderpump Rules online, you know Jax is borderline unstable, and that being in a relationship with him has to be toxic.

Well, both of those things are still ringin' true.

In a moment, we'll get into the love life of Jax, but we begin with Lala Kent, the new girl of SUR and in many ways the female Jax equivalent.

At least when it comes to stirring up drama.

“There was a time when I thought that Lala and I could actually be friends,” Scheana Shay mused. "And now it’s like a 180 again."

"She's still that skanky ho she was last year."

Lala Kent and Scheana Marie

Wow. She's not the only one with that view, either: "I hate the C-word, but this just feels like the right time for me to use it," Stassi added.

Damn! And this is before she did anything!

At the OK! Magazine party, Lala showed up with James Kennedy, helped herself to ample amounts of booze, and fat-shamed Katie Maloney.

That's what they call a grand entrance.

"I can see that everybody here has not been working on their summer bodies," Kent said while James added that she might be pregnant.

The gang got PISSED, and when Tom Sandoval later tried to reason with drunk James, Kennedy cried that ... his father ditched his family.

Seriously, that was his response.

Lala Kent and James Kennedy

Speaking of drunken messes, Jax has been dating Brittany Cartwright for about a year, and working together is starting to take its toll.

“I just don’t want to, like, live together, work together, play together,” he said, telling Tom Sandoval that he wanted in on her, um ...

“I walked in the bedroom, and I see Kristen [Doute] kissing Brittany down south,” Jax revealed to Tom, who was hilariously nonplussed.

"There is no shortage of bi-curious, Southern girls in West Hollywood,” Tom responded. “That’s a lot of fuss over a little cunnilingus."

"Welcome to L.A.! It’s the L.A. handshake.”

LaLa Goes to Town

Lisa Vanderpump's take on the situation?

"If it was anybody else, I don’t think I’d believe it," The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star said. "But Kristen chowing down on Kentucky muffin …"

Basically. From her lips to G-d's ears.

Kristen Doute denied the rumor, for what's worth, but Jax refused to let it go, arguing with Brittany several times about it after the fact.

She couldn't believe the "lies" about her that he was worked up about, but luckily, Stassi offered up a solution that would solve everything:

Jax, Kristen and Brittany should just chop off their private parts. That's it. That's the solution. "Because none of this is normal," Stassi said.

She's not wrong ...

Stassi is Always Right

Kristen and Stassi, a.k.a. "vagina mafia" as Tom Schwartz refers to them, later assembled the girls for a wine night at Katie’s apartment.

Or whine night as it were.

See what we did there?!

Soon enough, they began gossiping about Lala and alleging that her new boyfriend is actually a "sugar daddy" who’s married with kids.

What a hypocrite, they said: Lala calls Katie fat and old, yet she only dates older men. "And what’s wrong with people being old?" Katie said.

"Don’t you, like, f--king sit on old d--ks all day long?"

For his part, Schwartz was aghast at this.

Witnessing the epic trash-talking session, he began to fear that Stassi Schroeder and company were causing Katie to change her ways.

Would Tom's sweet fiancee be stripped of her innocence, unleash her "inner mean girl" and turn into one of the Plastics? So to speak? 

We can only hope not.

In all seriousness, we really hope and pray for the safe, swift return of the missing Mike Shay, also known as Scheana's troubled husband

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