Rob & Chyna Premiere Recap: Who the F--k Are U Texting?!

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On the allegedly long-awaited Rob & Chyna premiere, fans got an inside look at the complicated relationship between the reality stars.

In all their combative, emotionally unstable but loving glory.

When Rob & Chyna Season 1 Episode 1 got underway, we immediately learned that this is Keeping Up with the Kardashians on steroids.

In other words, if you watch Rob & Chyna online, grab a hat and hold the f--k onto it, because this is some fairly intense s--t all around.

How so? Where do we even begin with this duo ...

Rob and Chyna Photo

First, a little background on the expectant pair:

They met at Kendall Jenner's Sweet 16 party back in the day; Rob only began showing interest after she broke up with Tyga, however.

Tyga, of course, is the father of Blac's son King Cairo, and the current boyfriend of Kylie Jenner, Rob's half-sister. So that's not weird.

"Once me and Tyga was breaking up, he started dating Kylie, and I kinda, like, distanced myself from the family," Blac told the cameras.

Because of that long and unusual drama, "it's been a long process," the former stripper admits, "trying to get along with the Kardashians."

Rob and Chyna are smitten, though. Hard.

As Rob put it, the couple started "trying to have a baby a few times every day" pretty early on, so clearly they are fast-tracking things.

Regarding the fact that Roberto basically went from living in hermit-like seclusion and squalor to getting HIS OWN SHOW in a few months?

"It's a big change to go from being inside for, like, four years or some weird s--t, to now being outside. And do it with you," he told Chyna.

"I'm like what was I f--king doing?"

That's a fair question to be sure.

Kardashian later admitted to his quasi-brother-in-law Scott Disick that, yes, it's his weight that inhibits him from going out in public more.

Kris Jenner ad Rob Kardashian
Rob Kardashian Supports the Dodgers

He's put some of it back on, too.

Twenty pounds, to be exact.

"It's just depressing," he said.

"I don't know what to do."

The alleged sock designer admitted to Scott that he's been off his insulin medication, which may or may not have something to do with it.

Whatever it is, we hope he finds some inner peace and self-confidence, and gets himself to a happier place, because he's gonna be a dad!

And it's a ...

... GIRL!! OMFG A GIRL!!

We can see it, and Rob couldn't wait to tell the world about this - sooner than his future wife would have preferred, as a matter of fact.

"I guess that's just the Kardashian family ... talk, talk, talk, talk. I am so annoyed Rob spilled the beans so fast," Blac told the E! cameras.

Turns out this was indicative of bigger issues of trust between them, as we saw Rob scrolling through Blac's phone, and vice versa.

After she accused Rob of texting other girls, he suggested that she was going behind his back "with Tyga," and, well, there you have it.

The convo went like this:

Chyna: "Who are you texting and what the f--k are you talking about? Who the f--k are you texting, and why the f--k are you still texting bitches?"

"Who are you playing with? Stop f--king playing with me because you're a f--king liar ... You're still texting bitches, you just told me this!"

"Rob! So, I'm lying? Are you still texting bitches, yes or no?"

"Have a f--king nice life by yourself, I swear to God."

Okay, so it was a one-sided convo.

Rob later admitted that he has insecurities, noting that "the girl that I was with before, she burned me in a hundred different ways."

Kardashian famously stated that Rita Ora cheated on him with 20 dudes, which would be enough to make anyone self-conscious.

In any case, he tried to get Chyna flowers to make her feel better, but she threw them away - and threw him out of the house. Rough.

"It's just not a great feeling at all," Rob said, stating the obvious here. "This is the mother of my child, kicking me out of my house."

Fortunately, Blac sought Kris Jenner for advice, which led to Chyna realizing that Rob is depressed and may need professional help.

"I do realize I just cannot, one person, like, fix him on my own," she said. "But I hope Rob figures it out, because I just don't want it to be too late."

God speed.

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