Possibly as a response to his highly-publicized struggle to attract female voters, Donald Trump shocked the political world today when he announced that he has selected former Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate in his bid for the White House.
Palin joined Trump for a press conference at the skyscraper that bears his name in Midtown Manhattan this morning, where she formally (and enthusiastically) accepted his invitation to be a part of the second presidential ticket of her career.
"When Donald called me up last night, I said, 'Mr. Trump, after eight years of ramifications of the transformation of the betrayal of our country, America needs a president who can unite the brawlers, the ballers and the shot-callers," Palin told a crowd of reporters.
"And number B, we need a vice-president who can stand up to our enemies, whether it's Vladimir Putin, Lena Dunham, or the puppy-monkey-baby from that Super Bowl commercial. Boy, that thing gives me the willies, dontcha know."
Though he frequently appeared troubled by regret or severe indigestion during Palin's rambling 37-minute speech, Trump took the podium once more when she was through, seemingly to address widespread claims on social media that he had effectively torpedoed his own campaign.
"Ya know, folks, I checked my phone a lot during while she was talking, and I gotta say, there are some real losers on Twitter," Trump remarked.
"But there also some people who are excited to have a beautiful, classy, sexy vice-president in the guest bedroom of the White House, or wherever the vice-president lives.
"If I didn't already have a beautiful wife and two hot daughters that I'm aware of, I would be all over this fine piece of running mate."
Political analysts say that despite everyone they know being disgusted by Trump's comments, the real estate mogul somehow accumulated an additional 236 delegates during his time on stage.
They added: APRIL FOOLS'!!!!