Nancy Hoggert, a resident of Washington State (not Florida, somewhat surprisingly) claims that she is involved with Bigfoot. Sexually.
Yes, she says she has been in a romantic relationship with the mythical Sasquatch since 2008 ... and they're trying for a baby no less.
We're serious. Hoggert says Bigfoot lives in Mason County, Wash., and that she first encountered him whilst tending to her “marijuana grow.”
Must be some potent s--t.
“Bigfoot was standing there eating all the buds off my plants,” Hoggert recalled. “At first I wanted to run cause he’s very scary."
Also, she was doubly concerned, as "I thought he might eat all of my marijuana plants and that’s how I used to make a living."
She was prepared to do what she had to do to protect herself and her livelihood ... but that's when this story takes a big twist.
We're talking big big.
"I pointed my shotgun at him and he put up his hands, scared. That’s when I looked down and noticed he had a huge erection between his legs."
"I hadn’t gotten any in a while and well, from there, it somehow turned into an adult movie. I don’t know if he started it or I did."
Either way, we know it ended well that first time Nancy and the 'Squatch met. "He did me from behind, which felt great,” she says.
Their relationship only got deeper from there - and we're not just talking about penetration people. We mean real ass love.
“He is so sweet and caring,” Hoggert said. “He brings me flowers and mushrooms. Holds me while we stargaze."
"The only downside is that he don’t speak English. I have taught him how to say my name, but it’s kind of garbled and he mispronounces it."
Hoggert said they’re trying for a baby, though the fact that she's 52 - as well as the whole inter-species thing - could make that difficult.
“Once I’m pregnant, Bigfoot, or John as I call him, and I are going to settle down and live a quiet domesticated life in my house," she says.
Hoggert also said she’s going to legally change her last name to Nancy Bigfoot. As you do. But will she reveal her "man" to the public?
“Nah,” Hoggert said, and her reasoning is simple - to protect the one she loves and live a life free of intrusion, like a true libertarian:
“Government scientists will just dissect him or try to turn him into a solider to fight ISIS or something. You know how the government is.”
As for why she would try to go public with this story at all if that's her belief? Hoggert's justification for that is equally straightforward:
“Now that marijuana is legal in Washington State I don’t have an income. So capitalizing on my boyfriend’s fame is how I plan to make money.”
Good luck, kids.