Heidi Montag
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On The Hills this week, Heidi worried about how Spencer doesn't want kids, while tension escalated between Jayde Nicole and Kristin Cavallari over Brody Jenner.

As always, The Hollywood Gossip editors look back at the major developments on Tuesday's episode of The Hills, awarding and deducting points as we see fit ...

Brody on Kristin's plan to meet Jayde Nicole: "You're out of your mind! She just tried to kill you." Plus 5, because that's literally true, but he says it so nonchalantly.

Heidi Montag's therapist tries to tell her that pulling the goalie on Spencer Pratt isn't the most sound idea. Minus 4 because Heidi needed a therapist to tell her this.

Brody's bro Taylor tells him he's more fun when he's around Kristin than he is around Jayde. Plus 3, because the lack of violent altercations does go a long way.

As if Kristin's actions weren't 100 percent scripted, Jayde rips her for being "in town for a month" and says she needs to "go back where she came from." Minus 6.

Kristin to Jayde: "Well, then you might want to keep his leash a little tighter, Jayde." Seconds later: "You're, like, such a bitch, Jayde." Burn and burn! Plus 7.

Brody Jenner ex-girlfriends Jayde Nicole and Kristin Cavallari square off.

Fake friendship/lunch date alert x2: Lo-Kristin and Audrina-Heidi! Minus 4.

Heidi outlines her plan to stop taking her birth control to Audrina, whose enormous forehead expands to even more epic proportions at this lunacy. Plus 3.

Man, Jayde is really unstable. So much so that Brody Jenner says he'll "jump off a building" if he has to argue with her one more time. Good sign. Minus 2.

Despite the fact that she appears more bipolar by the second, Brody decides he wants to stay with Jayde! Plus 6 for something we actually didn't see coming.

Kristin laments that she's always caught in the middle - first Audrina and Justin, now Brody and Jayde, when she's doing it all on freaking purpose! Minus 9.

Even Justin-Bobby's voicemail is garbled and undecipherable. Plus 2.

Umm, was that an actual normal dinner conversation and married couple moment from Speidi? Even, because we're too shocked to rate it one way or the other.

TOTAL: +1! SEASON TOTAL: +78! Mixed reviews this week, because the Speidi plot is getting old, and a meddling Kristin Cavallari can't expect us to care about her hurt feelings, even if Jayde is certifiably insane. Speaking of ...

Whose side are you on?

This is what terrorist interrogation materials dreams are made of.

Fame-lovers Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are apparently feeling starved of attention because they are shopping around a reality show of their own.

The gruesome twosome is angling to branch out from the MTV hit, The Hills, to give viewers even more insight into their absurdly over-exposed lives.

”You don’t get to see our everyday lives and what we do,” says Heidi.

We're not sure we do. Our Heidi Montag nude tolerance is high, but not that high. Then again, maybe he's afraid to put out for his baby-crazy wife.

Just what television needs. MORE Heidi and Spencer Pratt.

Currently promoting their new book, How to be Famous, the couple want their spin-off to include everything - everything - that happens to them.

But don’t get your hopes up, readers at home. In this scenario, they won’t be leaving The Hills, instead they would try to appear on both shows.

Talk about a dream scenario if ever there were one.

One thing we actually would love to see? Them sitting around and deciding how to bash Al Roker on Twitter. Do they plan everything for attention?

It was one of our favorite celebrity feuds of the year. Sadly, there will be no rematch.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag were supposed to be on Today this morning, having clashed with Al Roker the last time they appeared on the program.

This summer, Roker grilled Heidi and Spencer on their I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here shenanigans. The camps traded barbs after the fact, as well.

Hopes of another on-air confrontation were dashed when NBC pulled the plug last minute on Speidi's segment plugging their book, How to Be Famous.

"Due to a change in the show's schedule, we had to cancel the interview with Spencer and Heidi Pratt," a Today show rep said, declining to elaborate.

Spencer and Heidi Pratt in their traditional garb.

Translation: Al Roker pulled some strings to avoid possibly murdering them on-air.

In June, Heidi Montag said Roker made her cry with his harsh line of questioning, taking her to task and telling Spencer people think he acts like a "jerk."

"Heidi and Spencer are an interesting couple. Famous for... being infamous," he Twittered later. "Bad, vacuous behavior. We're at minute 11 of their 15."

Don't count on it, weather man. But nice work nixing their appearance today.

As media and fame whores go, there's Speidi and there's everyone else.

The gruesome twosome from The Hills is so shameless about their ambition to be famous that their ambition to be famous is their M.O. There is no cover story, or ostensible reason for being. They exist so we will cover them.

And we do. Because that's what makes Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt so entertaining. Who else would write a book called How to Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture.

It's so delightfully straightforward, we almost admire them. Almost.

Recently, Playboy jumped the shark by featuring Heidi Montag nude. Now it's gone back for a second jump-around with the following Q&A with Speidi ...

Q: What led you to decide to write this particular book together?

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag: They always say, "Write what you know," and we know how to be famous. Plus, we're both extremely giving people.

What good is having all of this knowledge if you don't share it with others for the low, low price of $19.99, available online and at bookstores everywhere?

This book didn't require much planning. It's like if you asked Michael Jordan to write a book on how to dunk, or Bono to write one on how to be a rock star.

Q: Aren't you worried that revealing your strategies for becoming a celebrity and remaining in the public eye may have a detrimental effect on your fame?

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag: We're not worried at all. Our fame has never been about being liked. Being liked is fine, and we love it when people come up to us and say nice things, but we're famous because we keep people guessing.

What's more surprising than a famous person telling people how they did it?

Q: You reference Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the book as two celebrities who really know how to manipulate the press to their advantage. Are you at all concerned that [Brangelina] may have a negative reaction to your description of them?

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag: Well, we wouldn't want to piss them off. She might steal Spencer - you know, because she steals people's husbands! But seriously, we would love to sit down and discuss fame with them.

Q: What's on your agenda in 2010?

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag: Adopt an African baby, date Vince Vaughn, shave our heads, pretend Spencer is trapped in a balloon and have octuplets.

On The Hills this week, Brody and Kristin debated rekindling their flame, Audrina lamented that hers for Justin-Bobby won't die, and Spencer had a brilliant idea.

As always, The Hollywood Gossip editors look back at Tuesday night's episode of The Hills (as we do for The City) awarding and deducting points as we see fit for ...

Brody and Kristin meet for dinner. He says it's good to be single. Kristin says Jayde Nicole is gonna come after her soon. Obvious foreshadowing alert! Plus 4.

Spencer Pratt to Heidi Montag and her pleading to have a baby: "I ... I ... I. Everything is I. There's a 'we' in marriage." Ha, as if. Typical naive guy. Minus 2.

Team Enzo! Plus 5, and Plus 2 more for him playing with the little dogs Spencer got Heidi to make her not want kids. Plus 1 more for that failing miserably.

Audrina to Lo, re: Justin: "Why won't the spark go out, Lo!?" Barf. Minus 6, because her taste is sooo bad, but Plus 3 for Lo's reply: "Get a fire extinguisher."

Stacie has gone from "Bartender" to "Kristin's Friend." Plus 1.

Jayde Nicole and Kristin Cavallari nearly came to blows over Brody.

Brody's mom looks a little too much like Shauna Sand. Minus 2.

Spencer: "You gotta go to Beverly Hills when you talk about chopping off nuts." Plus 11, because 1. He's right; 2. He thought a vasectomy was easily reversible, and 3.; He cracked up like a 10-year-old when the doctor said "scrotum."

Enzo overhears Spencer talking about the incident and outs him to Heidi, telling her "Spencer went to the doctor!" Minus 3, Enzo, for this Guy Code violation.

Jayde just happens to be in the same place where Brody and Kristin are hanging out and goes bat$h!t insane. Plus 7, because despite how set up the altercation was, the pushing, shoving and f-bombs dropped indicate a real, mutual dislike.

Minus 8 for Justin-Bobby almost making it an entire episode without showing his ugly mug, then swooping in at the last minute to make Audrina look pathetic.

Justin on Kristin: "It was the first time I didn't have to worry about what Audrina thought." As if he did while they were together. Plus 2 for the straight face.

TOTAL: +27! SEASON TOTAL: +77! A quality cat fight, however contrived, always boosts totals, as does Spencer Pratt pretending to consider a vasectomy.

Only Spencer Pratt would consider a vasectomy to ward off his baby-crazy wife, and only Spencer Pratt wouldn't know it's difficult, if not impossible, to reverse.

Heck, even if it was all elaborately staged for tomorrow's episode of The Hills, only Spencer Pratt would pretend to go to such lengths to avoid having kids.

In a sneak preview released by MTV, he admits that he didn't tell Heidi Montag he looked into the "seven-minute procedure," which he ultimately decided against.

Shocking that he didn't through with it. That would have been the worst medical decision since ... well, you gotta see these Sammy Sosa skin bleaching pictures.

"I thought it was reversible," he tells his wife. "Once I found out it wasn't, I left."

COME TO DADDY: Spencer Pratt wants to fornicate with his mostly plastic wife so bad ... but he wants to get a vasectomy first to make her goalie-pulling tactics moot.

Did he really think you could just have the procedure undone? Is he that stupid, or was that just his explanation for something he obviously wasn't going through with?

Regardless, Heidi Montag is hardly pleased, telling him, "You would have done it right then if you thought it was reversible?" she asks in disbelief. "And then you would have come home and told me 'Hi, honey, I snipped my balls off?'"

Well, there you have that. She raises a fair point.

Check out the clip from The Hills post-jump ...

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This week on The Hills, Audrina Patridge and Kristin Cavallari continued to feud over Justin-Bobby, while Spencer threw an "adult" birthday bash for Heidi.

As always, The Hollywood Gossip editors take a look back at last night's The Hills (as we do for The City) awarding and taking away points as we see fit ...

Brody Jenner and Kristin Cavallari walk on the beach waxing philosophical about what it would be like if they dated again. Cue cards, anyone? Minus 2.

Heidi Montag totally blackmails / guilt trips Spencer Pratt into throwing her a birthday party since she let him get his "porno pad." Ah, marriage. Plus 7.

Hearing Brody and Jayde are "on break," Audrina says Brody will never get lucky with another Playmate. Huh? All Brody does is date hot girls! Minus 3.

Kristin puts Justin-Bobby on the spot by talking about getting together with Audrina and dishing about him. Plus 6 because this made him so awkward.

WTF is that on Justin's head? An Elvis wig? Minus 1.

Worst. Fake. Love. Triangle. Ever.

LOL at the random Valley Girl Heidi clones who show up at her party. Plus 4, and Plus 2 more for Spencer surprising Heidi with two little dogs, which are so cute. Although that now gives her three mangy animals to clean up after.

The more we watch Kristin Cavallari, the more obvious it becomes why her acting career hasn't taken off. Not exactly news, but still, obligatory Minus 1.

Audrina passive-aggressively tears Kristin a new one behind her back during a heart-to-heart with Brody. Plus 5, because what she said was so true.

Kristin on Justin: "I have no respect for him now. None." Minus 3, because girls who say this about J-Bobby still can't keep their pants off his floor.

Lo actually plugs her Twitter on camera! So shameless! Plus 2, and Plus 1 more for her reply to Audrina wanting no part of Kristin drama: "totes."

Minus 10 for the Kristin-Justin "confrontation" at the end. Nothing ever gets resolved on this show, likely because much of the conflict is staged.

TOTAL: +7! SEASON TOTAL: +50! The Justin-Bobby drama is starting to wear quite thin, isn't it? We need more cat fights at clubs, ASAP.

With both celebrity gossip notoriety and ridiculous appearances going for them, it's no surprise that Kate and Jon Gosselin were Halloween staples this year.

A pair of celebrity duos themselves decided to go as the terrible tandem.

On Live with Regis and Kelly, Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa masqueraded as Jon and Kate, complete his and her stacks of $100 bills divided on the table. LOL.

Meanwhile, the gruesome twosome who relinquished their title of Most Painful Reality TV Couple to the Gosselins showed gratitude by dressing up as them.

Spencer and Heidi Pratt also lugged around eight dolls, a funny touch. Let's just hope that Speidi doesn't have eight children of their own someday. Yeesh.

Whose costumes were tops? Compare the faux Gosselins and vote below ...

Who makes a better Jon and Kate?

You know the old saying.

It takes a couple of painfully annoying, married reality TV attention whores to know a couple of painfully annoying, married reality TV attention whores.

That said, The Hills' gruesome twosome, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag dressed up for Halloween Thursday as none other than Jon and Kate Gosselin.

It's actually pretty funny ...

Speidi masquerades as Jon and Kate. [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

We don't know what touch we like more, the dolls, Spencer's uber-douchey shades and Ed Hardy t-shirt, or Heidi's reverse mullet dead opossum weave.

It's a tie.

Just pray these two don't decide to emulate Jon and Kate in other ways. Like having eight children. The apocalypse would officially be upon us then ...

This week on The Hills, Justin-Bobby continued to play mind games with Kristin, Holly got plastered again and Jayde Nicole went absolutely insane on Brody.

As always, The Hollywood Gossip editorial board looks back at back the previous night's The Hills (as we do for The City) awarding and taking away points  ...

This week's episode title comes from a text Justin sent Kristin after ditching her beach party, referring to her three strike rule. Yes, he wrote that. Minus 7.

Later, he surprises "boo" by showing up anyway. Plus 6, because like the naked guy on How I Met Your Mother, J-B's unpredictability totally works on girls.

Kristin Cavallari sure overdoes the fake Valley Girl accent, over-pronouncing each syllable trying to sound ditzy. Liiiiiike, yaaaaaa, Bro-dayyyyyy. Minus 5.

HOT preview for New Moon during commercials! Plus 3.

Holly Montag says her true love is Jack. As in Daniel. Minus 4 for this dreadful cliche and being one of the sloppier drunks out there. We hope she's acting.

Despite being wrapped around Justin's finger, Kristin admits she has feelings for Bro-dayyyyyy. Ahh, there's nothing like a freshly contrived love triangle. Plus 2.

Speaking of Brody's love life, either MTV's editors want to sabotage Jayde Nicole, or she is rapidly becoming mentally unbalanced. Jealous much. Jayde? Minus 6.

Random dude off-camera: "What is up with Holly?" Great question. Plus 9.

Team Enzo! Plus 7, because even Spencer Pratt is warming to his adorable little neighbor. He tries, but can't even pretend to hate him anymore. It's kind of cute.

For the love of G*d, what the hell is Holly wearing at Speidi's!? Minus 4. Is The Hills secretly a cult where you have to drop 25 pounds and get plastic surgery?

Concerned Heidi Montag tells her troubled, drunk sis that she would, like, do anything for her (going to her b-party without a fee notwithstanding). Plus 6. B!tch.

Obligatory Minus 5 for Kristin not being Lauren Conrad. Are we really supposed to care about this girl and become invested in all her personal drama? Fail.

For the Love of Ray J preview during commercials! Plus 3.

TOTAL: +5! SEASON TOTAL: +43! We're still having a hard time caring about Kristin in any way, but at least Holly, Jayde and Justin are total loose cannons.