Heidi Montag
Gossip

This week on The Hills, Audrina Patridge and Kristin Cavallari continued to feud over Justin-Bobby, while Spencer threw an "adult" birthday bash for Heidi.

As always, The Hollywood Gossip editors take a look back at last night's The Hills (as we do for The City) awarding and taking away points as we see fit ...

Brody Jenner and Kristin Cavallari walk on the beach waxing philosophical about what it would be like if they dated again. Cue cards, anyone? Minus 2.

Heidi Montag totally blackmails / guilt trips Spencer Pratt into throwing her a birthday party since she let him get his "porno pad." Ah, marriage. Plus 7.

Hearing Brody and Jayde are "on break," Audrina says Brody will never get lucky with another Playmate. Huh? All Brody does is date hot girls! Minus 3.

Kristin puts Justin-Bobby on the spot by talking about getting together with Audrina and dishing about him. Plus 6 because this made him so awkward.

WTF is that on Justin's head? An Elvis wig? Minus 1.

Worst. Fake. Love. Triangle. Ever.

LOL at the random Valley Girl Heidi clones who show up at her party. Plus 4, and Plus 2 more for Spencer surprising Heidi with two little dogs, which are so cute. Although that now gives her three mangy animals to clean up after.

The more we watch Kristin Cavallari, the more obvious it becomes why her acting career hasn't taken off. Not exactly news, but still, obligatory Minus 1.

Audrina passive-aggressively tears Kristin a new one behind her back during a heart-to-heart with Brody. Plus 5, because what she said was so true.

Kristin on Justin: "I have no respect for him now. None." Minus 3, because girls who say this about J-Bobby still can't keep their pants off his floor.

Lo actually plugs her Twitter on camera! So shameless! Plus 2, and Plus 1 more for her reply to Audrina wanting no part of Kristin drama: "totes."

Minus 10 for the Kristin-Justin "confrontation" at the end. Nothing ever gets resolved on this show, likely because much of the conflict is staged.

TOTAL: +7! SEASON TOTAL: +50! The Justin-Bobby drama is starting to wear quite thin, isn't it? We need more cat fights at clubs, ASAP.

With both celebrity gossip notoriety and ridiculous appearances going for them, it's no surprise that Kate and Jon Gosselin were Halloween staples this year.

A pair of celebrity duos themselves decided to go as the terrible tandem.

On Live with Regis and Kelly, Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa masqueraded as Jon and Kate, complete his and her stacks of $100 bills divided on the table. LOL.

Meanwhile, the gruesome twosome who relinquished their title of Most Painful Reality TV Couple to the Gosselins showed gratitude by dressing up as them.

Spencer and Heidi Pratt also lugged around eight dolls, a funny touch. Let's just hope that Speidi doesn't have eight children of their own someday. Yeesh.

Whose costumes were tops? Compare the faux Gosselins and vote below ...

Who makes a better Jon and Kate?

You know the old saying.

It takes a couple of painfully annoying, married reality TV attention whores to know a couple of painfully annoying, married reality TV attention whores.

That said, The Hills' gruesome twosome, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag dressed up for Halloween Thursday as none other than Jon and Kate Gosselin.

It's actually pretty funny ...

Speidi masquerades as Jon and Kate. [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

We don't know what touch we like more, the dolls, Spencer's uber-douchey shades and Ed Hardy t-shirt, or Heidi's reverse mullet dead opossum weave.

It's a tie.

Just pray these two don't decide to emulate Jon and Kate in other ways. Like having eight children. The apocalypse would officially be upon us then ...

This week on The Hills, Justin-Bobby continued to play mind games with Kristin, Holly got plastered again and Jayde Nicole went absolutely insane on Brody.

As always, The Hollywood Gossip editorial board looks back at back the previous night's The Hills (as we do for The City) awarding and taking away points  ...

This week's episode title comes from a text Justin sent Kristin after ditching her beach party, referring to her three strike rule. Yes, he wrote that. Minus 7.

Later, he surprises "boo" by showing up anyway. Plus 6, because like the naked guy on How I Met Your Mother, J-B's unpredictability totally works on girls.

Kristin Cavallari sure overdoes the fake Valley Girl accent, over-pronouncing each syllable trying to sound ditzy. Liiiiiike, yaaaaaa, Bro-dayyyyyy. Minus 5.

HOT preview for New Moon during commercials! Plus 3.

Holly Montag says her true love is Jack. As in Daniel. Minus 4 for this dreadful cliche and being one of the sloppier drunks out there. We hope she's acting.

Despite being wrapped around Justin's finger, Kristin admits she has feelings for Bro-dayyyyyy. Ahh, there's nothing like a freshly contrived love triangle. Plus 2.

Speaking of Brody's love life, either MTV's editors want to sabotage Jayde Nicole, or she is rapidly becoming mentally unbalanced. Jealous much. Jayde? Minus 6.

Random dude off-camera: "What is up with Holly?" Great question. Plus 9.

Team Enzo! Plus 7, because even Spencer Pratt is warming to his adorable little neighbor. He tries, but can't even pretend to hate him anymore. It's kind of cute.

For the love of G*d, what the hell is Holly wearing at Speidi's!? Minus 4. Is The Hills secretly a cult where you have to drop 25 pounds and get plastic surgery?

Concerned Heidi Montag tells her troubled, drunk sis that she would, like, do anything for her (going to her b-party without a fee notwithstanding). Plus 6. B!tch.

Obligatory Minus 5 for Kristin not being Lauren Conrad. Are we really supposed to care about this girl and become invested in all her personal drama? Fail.

For the Love of Ray J preview during commercials! Plus 3.

TOTAL: +5! SEASON TOTAL: +43! We're still having a hard time caring about Kristin in any way, but at least Holly, Jayde and Justin are total loose cannons.

Holly Montag celebrated her 26th Birthday party at Empire Hollywood in L.A. Saturday, a get-together that ended with Stephanie Pratt arrested for DUI.

An interesting subplot? The absence of Speidi, a.k.a. Heidi Montag (Holly's younger sister) and her husband, loathesome PR mastermind Spencer Pratt.

It made little sense that the gruesome twosome wouldn't be on hand (and makes even less that they have not commented on Stephanie's arrest since).

Well, according to reports, Heidi Montag was invited, but was a no-show. The reason? No one was willing to pony up cash for her to come. No freebies!

"Holly wished her sister could just be a sister and stop by her birthday party, but Heidi only goes places if she is getting paid," an insider said. "I mean, this is her sister and she wouldn’t even show up without a fee. That’s disgusting."

Would it surprise you if Heidi wanted to be paid to associate with Holly?

The evening did get some publicity, however, as the b-day girl’s BFF and The Hills star Stephanie Pratt was arrested on suspicion of a DUI after leaving.

The 23-year-old She-Pratt has a prior criminal record, having been arrested in Hawaii on both second-degree theft and drug violations back in 2006.

"She usually doesn’t drive to parties and is always really careful," an insider said. "Her mother is devastated, she is with her at home trying to lay low."

Ironically, Holly's drinking problem was the focal point of Tuesday's The Hills.

Neither Spencer or Heidi has commented on Stephanie's incident. Moreover, Speidi issued a denial of the above story, but only through their rep.

The rep said Heidi wanting to get paid to come is "absolutely not true." That's it. No hilarious statement from Spencer himself. Something is amiss.

Last night on The Hills, Justin-Bobby cast his familiar spell over both Kristin and Audrina, while Holly Montag was enraptured by something else toxic: Alcohol.

As always, The Hollywood Gossip looks back the previous night's episode of The Hills (as we do for The City) awarding and taking away points as we see fit ...

Kristin Cavallari's dad on Brody Jenner: "Is he still in love with himself?" Plus 4.

Kristin on Brody and Jayde Nicole: "They're one of those couples that's either all over each other in public or screaming and breaking up." So true! Plus 3.

Audrina Patridge hangs out with Justin's buddy Derek, who notes that Audrina and Justin were off-and-on for four years. Four years! Belated Minus 7.

Reflecting on Justin ditching her at Brody's, Kristin insists she's gonna make him work for it. Her annoying hair flipping tells us this is untrue. Minus 5.

Holly Montag gets plastered at Brent Bolthouse's Photo Exhibit. Plus 11 for leaving even Spencer speechless, and Plus 2 more for Holly's classic drunk-girl line: "Like, I feel like every second of my life is the greatest second of my life!"

Obligatory Minus 2 for Stephanie Pratt's awful plastic surgery, but Plus 9 for the irony of her commenting on Holly's drinking problem when just last Sunday, Stephanie got arrested for DUI ... after Holly's wild birthday party!

Spencer calls Holly the "girl version of Spencer Pratt" in referencing her drinking too much. Still, you can tell he kind of means it as a compliment. Plus 3.

Holly Montag arrives at Speidi's intervension and orders a margarita in the first five seconds. Perhaps a Mexican restaurant wasn't the best venue. Plus 5.

Justin-Bobby cooks Kristin dinner and half-heartedly apologizes for flaking on Brody's party. Naturally, Kristin's defenses (and pants) drop. He disposes of his shirt, they meander into the bedroom and bone. Absolutely pathetic. Minus 5.

For whatever reason, Audrina meets Justin-Bobby for drinks. He says nothing compares to her and that he and Kristin aren't together. He says she shouldn't hang out with Derek again. She agrees. Absolutely beyond pathetic. Minus 10.

TOTAL: +8! SEASON TOTAL: +38! The Hills thrives on such things, but a Justin-Bobby love triangle is hard to be enthralled by. We can't believe we're saying this, but more Speidi! Hopefully Stephanie's DUI was caught on tape.

Last night on The Hills, the gang threw a surprise party for Brody, Speidi bickered over kids, and Kristin and Justin-Bobby's fake relationship took a familiar turn.

As always, The Hollywood Gossip staff looks back the previous night's installment of MTV's hit "reality" show, awarding and deducting points as required ...

Stacie and Kristin go shopping for Brody Jenner's birthday. For sex toys, at the Hustler store. Kristin says Brody is too "vanilla" in the sack. Plus 5 for TMI.

In case you were concerned, the opening scene on the beach makes clear that Justin-Bobby has not become less of a douche since last week. Minus 3.

WTF happened to Stephanie Pratt's face? Bad plastic surgery alert! Minus 4.

Brody's surprise party clearly wasn't a surprise. The camera crew typically gives it away. No negative points, though, because people blow surprises in real life, too, and Plus 1 for Brody's first birthday request: "Frankie, give me a hug!"

Brody is now listed as "Kristin's ex" instead of "Lauren's friend." Plus 2.

Brody and Jayde Nicole, who he straight up calls a "b!tch," get into a major fight at the party for no discernable reason. Plus 3, though, because it's Jayde Nicole, and it's The Hills. The show is nothing without unexplained female implosions.

Audrina agrees to meet a guy named Derek who was Justin's friend, and who Justin always got jealous of because he thought Derek liked her. Hold on a second, Justin-Bobby has friends? Who apparently bathe? We don't buy it. Minus 2.

Speaking of guys who you wouldn't think have friends, Spencer Pratt confides in pal Charlie about Heidi wanting to procreate. Enter neighbor Enzo, and subsequent tube-tying comments by Spencer. All we have to say? Team Enzo! Plus 9.

Justin-Bobby pulls a no-show at Brody's party, ditching Kristin Cavallari. At least he's consistent. Maybe she and Audrina can bond over this. Okay, not really, but Plus 4.

Another Plus 2 for how happy this makes Audrina when she hears about it.

Spence: "Only a true man can wear a beaver-skin hat out to dinner." Minus 3. Seconds later: "Is this a marriage or a dictatorship?" Says the guy who was most overbearing, obsessive-compulsive boyfriend in history. Minus 4.

TOTAL: +10! SEASON TOTAL: +30! The Hills rarely disappoints. Especially when adorable little kids get Spencer all riled up, or that b!tch Kristin gets hers.

Forget Britney Spears. Heidi Montag has a new celebrity hero.

"She said she wanted to be the next Octomom!" her co-star Audrina Patridge said at the Surfrider's Gala on Friday in L.A. "I was like, 'Heidi, no you don't!'"

Octomom, a.k.a. Nadya Suleman, has 14 kids and no job. Or significant other. Oh yes, she was a single mother of six before giving birth to her octuplets.

Even she admits "it was a mistake" to have so many kids "without a father figure." Well, Heidi would pretty much be in the same boat with Spencer Pratt.

They've both got the plastic surgery thing down pat, too ...

Heidi Montag and the useless baby factory who's become her new idol.

Patridge said that Montag is "ready for kids." Spencer Pratt, though?

On The View, he smarmy one said he wasn't sleeping with his baby-crazy wife wants to get pregnant and might pull the goalie on him. On last week's episode of The Hills, he joked (semi-seriously) that he wanted to get his tubes tied.

Audrina isn't concerned that the clash might cause them to split. They are "bickering back and forth, like any married couple sometimes does," she said.

She said that marriage has made Speidi an even stronger couple.

"They're really close," Patridge told Us. "They're inseparable."

Last night on The Hills, Spencer Pratt made it clear to Heidi Montag that he doesn't want children - even threatening to "get my tubes tied like tomorrow."

Well, perhaps Mrs. Pratt can negotiate some kind of 3-for-1 deal when she gets their new dogs, Dolly (white) and Ninja (black) fixed in the near future.

The gruesome twosome debuted the adorable pups on a walk in the Hollywood Hills, with Heidi naturally wearing six-inch heels for reasons unknown ...

High heels and all, Heidi Montag takes her three mangy animals for a walk.

Spencer may want to put the brakes on chopping his nuts off for now, at least, as Heidi has said that having the dogs had made her think twice about kids.

At least for now. The puppies are already quite a handful! Besides, as Spencer says, he can't even be around adults, how's he supposed to handle kids?

In any case, Spencer Pratt better make room in the doghouse be perpetually lives in. Click to enlarge more pics of Speidi and their new family members ...

[Photos: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

On last night's season episode of The Hills, Kristin and Justin-Bobby took their fake relationship to the next level, while Speidi argued about kids a lot.

Below, The Hollywood Gossip staff reviews the most recent memorable installment of MTV's "reality" hit, awarding and deducting points as it sees fit ...

Stacie to Kristin: "We're two, like, kinda bitches." So true, and so right. Plus 4.

These girls have really long, fake-looking hair. Except Jayde. She rules. Even.

Heidi Montag thinks having a child will "mature" Spencer Pratt. This logic is comically flawed, but is just the sort of thing an airhead like Heidi would actually believe, and she's far from the only woman to think this, so ... Even.

Lo seems a little uncomfortable at lunch with Kristin, twirling her hair like a madwoman. Kristin Cavallari trying to act makes us squirm, too. Plus 3.

It gets worse when Kristin says she'll mess with Audrina if she messes with her. Does MTV just hand Kristin a pile of quotes, all pertaining to bitchiness and being the girl version of a player, and tell her to work them in? Minus 5.

Speidi has neighbors. They look nice. We feel sorry for them. Minus 2.

Audrina Patridge invites the gang to an Epic Records concert event at an L.A. club. Yay, obvious but effective cross promotion! Vedera was pretty good too. Plus 2.

Props to Stephanie Pratt for flat-out asking what the band looks like and not even feigning interest in the music. Plus 2. Plus 3 more her disgust when it's a chick.

Chiara sighting! Plus 1.

Spencer Pratt on children: "I can barely be around adults, how am I supposed to be around kids?" Plus 8. Side note: How cute is the lil' neighbor kid Enzo!?

Later, the evil one tells his baby crazy wife that he wants to get his "tubes tied like tomorrow." Much like when a guy we knew in college used to say chicks wanted to "bone" him, we're not sure that phrase works for a guy. Minus 2.

Justin-Bobby arrives with Kristin - clean shaven, with his shirt buttoned all the way up, wearing suspenders - then slow dances and makes out with her. Who slow dances at a club? What is this, Laguna Beach senior prom? Minus 9.

OMFG is Justin-Bobby really wearing a sparkly, motorcycle helmet?!? He is. Minus 6.

Finally, the quote of the night goes to Casey Patridge: "Justin's a douche." Close second? Jayde Nicole, re: Kristin: "Omigod I can't stand her!" Plus 12.

TOTAL: +11! SEASON TOTAL: +20! The Hills can annoy the crap out of you sometimes, and may be totally scripted, but man, this show still entertains.