Tiger Woods Text Messages: Flat-Out Ridiculous

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Even for a guy we knew cheated on Elin Nordegren with eight mistresses (and counting) Tiger Woods surprised us with the content of these text messages.

At times dirty and at times emotionally vulnerable, his texts and emails to mistresses Jaimee Grubbs and Rachel Uchitel paint quite the portrait of the man.

One second, Tiger's jealous of Rachel's romantic past and worrying about being just "number f--king five" on the list of famous men Uchitel has been with.

The next, he's writing "what kind of present your naked body" when Jaimee mentions a birthday gift. There's just know telling what Tiger Woods will say!

Rache and Jaimee

What was Tiger Woods thinking? Thanks to his leaked text and email correspondences with Jaimee Grubbs and Rachel Uchitel, we actually kind of know the answer!

Earlier this afternoon, we published a helpful list of Tiger Woods' women with pictures as a cheat sheet for those who can't keep track of his mistresses.

Now here's a compilation of the emails and text messages compiled by Us Weekly, Radar Online, In Touch Weekly and other sources over the past week.

We can't sum up the highlights or do these justice, so just read on ...

Text Messages Between Tiger Woods and Jaimee Grubbs

July 20, 3:04 p.m.

Tiger: Hey Sexy I can't come out this week. Something came up family wise
Jaimee: That's okay I hope everything is fine … would have liked to see you
Tiger: We will make it happen

July 26, 11: 22 p.m.

Jaimee: I drove out for the night to surprise a friend with a present for there birthday
Tiger: what kind of present your naked body
Jaimee: haha no a watch I slept alone
Tiger: alone with him that is
Jaimee: haha I wish

Sept. 27, 6:38 p.m.

Jaimee: miss u
Tiger: now that's hot so who is your new boy toy
Jaimee: no new boy toy … still running dry… been on 2 real dates in the pat 2 months :(
Tiger: I need you
Jaimee: then get your tight ass over here and visit me! I need u
Tiger: I will wear you out soon
Jaimee: how soon? I got a new piercing
Tiger: really. Where
Jaimee: I just sent u a pic of it … is on my cheek below my eye … implanted a little diamond
Tiger: send it again. I didn't pick up on that
Tiger: you just need some attention from me
Tiger: do you have a boy friend (8:45 p.m.)
Jaimee: I don't even have someone I am dating … no … u can be my boyfriend ;)
Tiger: then I am
Jaimee: I wish
Tiger: quiet and secretively we will always be together
Tiger: when was the last time you got laid

Sept. 30, 3:38 p.m.

Jaimee: if we hang out on a Sundway we can watch desperate houswives again haha
Tiger: oh god
Jaimee: take a break from watching boring old golf
Jaimee: I mean the amazing sport of golf ;)
Jaimee: [more than an hour later] babe I was kidding
Tiger: I know sexy

Oct. 1, 6:06 p.m.

Jaimee: is it orange county time yet?
Tiger: oh stop :)
Jaimee: hahaha I know … but you canceled on me last time so the anticipation is killing me … im finding myself watching sports center … haha j/k it isn't that bad
Tiger: its never been that bad
Jaimee: very true … I only watch football
Tiger: Figured you would say that. Big black guys.
Jaimee: u are my first, last and only black guy! U should feel special
Tiger: why do I not believe that?
Tiger: [later, in response to Jaimee's mention of a date who was "full of himself"] you kinda like that for some reason which is weird why you decided on me.
Tiger: having an asian mother and a military father you cannot and will not ever be full of yourself
Jaimee: I have fun with u, you always make me smile and I am not afraid to be myself or say anything to u … the day I met u I thought u were going to kick me out a few times but for someone reason you didn't and u have told me numerous times I talk to much but slowly as I get to know u iI think your absolutely amazing
Tiger: you are wrong I'm bone thugs in harmon

Oct. 15, 6:40 p.m.

Jaimee: Something wrong babe?I was excited to sepnd time with u this week
Tiger: I will you Sunda night. Its the only night in which I am totally free but I have to leave at 530 Monday morning to drive up to the valley for an outing for one of my sponsors. See you at 8 pm on Sunday in newport
Tiger: don't text me back till tomorrow morning. I have to many people around me right now

Oct. 18, 3:40 p.m.

Tiger: send me something very naughty
Jaimee: some things are worth waiting for lol … besides im at work
Tiger: go to the bathroom and take it
Jaimee: haha ur too much

Oct. 18, 11:38 p.m.

Jaimee: are u leaving me cause your wife is still in newport :( I am lonely now … i like falling asleep in your arms
Tiger: sorry baby I just can't sleep. Its just a problem I have.
Tiger: she is not here. They left this morning
Jaimee: well I appreciate you not wanting to wake me up but if y couldn't sleep I would have rather sat up and talked to u more … find out why I keep falling more and more for u ;)
Tiger: Because I'm blasian :)
Tiger: I'm sorry babe. Im already home.
Jaimee: I'm putting my underwear back on … thats a no no … come take them off
Tiger: :) you are too funny

Nov. 26, 11:16 a.m.

Tiger: happy thanksgiving to you
Jaimee: u too love

E-mails Between Tiger Woods and Rachel Uchitel

E-mail 1: "I know it's brutal on you that you can't be with me all the time. I get it. It f---ing kills me, too. I finally found someone I connect with, someone I have never found like this. Not even at home. You want someone to witness your life. I want you to lay next to me, lay on me or wherever you want to lay. F--k. Why didn't we find each other year's ago. We wouldn't be having this conversation. Never thought I would care and be as emotional as I am with you. You bring a side of me I never thought existed both good and bad. I don't like feeling so vulnerable. It bothers me a lot. I'm much tougher than this."

E-mail 2: "You don't have to answer that e-mail. I just wanted you to know what's going on inside me."

E-mail 3: "I don't know if this is going to work. I though I was getting to know you, but it feels like I'm just another person who happens to be famous. Everytime I think about it, I get a lump in my throat. Some of the other parts of your past really get to me. I don't know what person I was falling for so hard. The one I got to know on the phone, e-mail, text and in person. I am so confused, because what my brain is saying and what my heart is saying are two different things. Is it the Rachel I know or the character? That's what's hard. It guts me to think I've fallen for the wrong one and will be number f---ing five on that list."

E-mail 4: "I need you here [at the Australian Masters in Melbourne]! Just pack and get organized. Sorry if I hurt you."

Response from Rachel Uchitel, who said she wasn't flying across the world to be with: "someone who doesn't want and need me. I have some pride, too, you know."

"You broke my heart. You made me remember what real hurt is."

E-mail 5: "Get yourself together and get on the flight. We can fight down here and have make-up sex." (Uchitel did travel to Melbourne)

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Stop hating..all of yall searched for his text messages..so apparently you are interested in Tiger Woods. He was tapping those asses..but was DUMB to put it in writig..You NEVER write it down Tiger. Take it to the Grave. But nobody tied those White Girls hands...they came of free will. They seemed to want that Money and that Big Black Cook !!!!

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Tiger is now more famous as a practitioner of peniscraft than he ever was as a golfer. He's just going to be viewed as a walking dick for the rest of his life.

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Ohhhhhhhhhhhh that is good shit... makes me remember my single days hhaha

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HE'S SO FUKCIGN UGLY...

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good cunt tiger you cracked it

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They all need to leave Tiger alone! So what if he cheated. Who are you all to judge? It's a personal matter and all these women with no brains..they only want money..and also why did Tiger apologized in public. The only person he needs to apologize to his family and only his family. Not even to these women..because hello he wasnt alone..it takes two to tango. These women are nasty TARTS... Millions of other men are cheating and only because he's a celebrity they make a big deal out of it..yes cheating is wrong but come on Tiger is not the only one and besides...its really time that media in The States pays attention to the crisis in the country! And yeah i agree what Dee wrote.. who says that the text messages and emails are real..so come on!

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Tiger is rich and therefore has done what 99 per cent of all males with money will do. Wrong? Maybe. Getting caught is what's preventing most men from going down the same path.

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Tiger Woods, an American Hero and a statement of the true family values of America when you look under the skin of the cosmetic so-called Christian values.

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Tiger is a STRIAGHT PIMP.....why have one when you can have them all...with all the travelling he does what man would be faithfull....NONE it never happens and if your husband tels you other wise he is a liar!!!!!!A man not with hios wife even at a grocery store is lookin for what he does not have at home it is sad but true... we where not ment to be with just one person no other animal is so y would we be.

Tiger Woods Biography

Tiger and Charlie Woods Tiger Woods is the best golfer in the history of the world. The talented athlete has also married a blonde bombshell and inspired... More »
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Tiger Woods