"I literally feel, like, one of my friends... died."
After all this time, and hype, the much-anticipated season three premiere of MTV's The Hills didn't disappoint. For the most part.
Monday's debut sure didn't waste any time bringing viewers inside the epic war between Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag, while properly (and blatantly) introducing each side's supporters.
Whitney Port - now a full-time employee and Lauren's supervisor at Teen Vogue - and Audrina Partridge are so on Team LC, while Montag's devilish boyfriend, Spencer Pratt, is Team Heidi's president, vice president, and PR coordinator.
Giving the people what they want, MTV began the year with a cat fight we knew happened, but have been wanting to see on film for moths, as a tipsy Lauren - enraged over rumors of her sex tape making the rounds - and Heidi hurled insults at each other outside Les Deux.
Lauren is convinced, right or wrong, that Heidi and Spencer started and spread the rumor of her making a sex video with ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler.
The gist of Lauren's position on the matter, as told to Heidi Montag: "You know what you did! You know what you did! You're a sad, pathetic person!"
That about covers it.
"I could just never imagine hating someone so much that you'd do something like that to them," Lauren Conrad said later, reflecting on the incident.
Oh well. She has other things to worry about, like meeting the boy du jour at the club, and whether or not to criticize Audrina's boy, a mumbling, biker, hippie-type who she dated off and on a few years back and doesn't say much.
We heart Lauren, but at the same time, we wonder if she's not - at least at times - taking out some of her own frustrations and insecurities on her friends.Â
Yes, Spencer Pratt sucks, but LC's lack of interest in Audrina's man (however uninteresting he seems), has us thinking that she is incapable of being happy for her friends.
Who knows if this will be an ongoing trend. Here's hoping Lauren Conrad can turn her own love life and friendships around in the coming weeks.
Whether or not Heidi and Spencer are responsible for the sex tape rumors may never be known, but Lauren was visibly shaken up by the incident.
At the end of the second of two new episodes airing last night, LC turned to a person who would never double-cross her: mom Kathy Conrad.
Looking and talking similarly to Lauren, Kathy Conrad expressed concern that her daughter is getting too caught up in the Hollywood scene. Focus on school and work and the good friends you have, Mrs. C advises LC at the family's Laguna Beach estate. Wisely.
Oh, and there's the matter of Heidi and Spencer's home life. Genuine or not, these two are dead set on presenting a picture of undying (and nauseating) love for each other.
Despite Spencer's idea that passive-aggressive remarks, graffiti-laden living room walls (did he do that himself?) and a beer bash constitute the beacon of domestic tranquility, Heidi is head over heels for this guy.
Or pretending to be, and doing a good job. We're not sure.
Late in the second episode of the night, despite the rigorous objections of Brody Jenner, Spencer stepped up to the plate and offered Heidi a fat engagement ring. Of course, we've known for months that they're engaged, so it kind of killed the mood.
That and the fact that it's an acne-riddled, gnarly Spencer Pratt bumbling through a jewelry store and "proposing" on a Santa Barbara beach. Did we mention there was no actual proposal shown (or accepted) - just an awkward offering of a huge ass ring?
Bad editing? Completely fake proposal? Who knows. As for what's next, it looks like Audrina and her man are getting serious, and LC is out to score herself a new man.
Note to the producers: Give us more Whitney Port! In addition to her profound wisdom, she's the only character not tainted by excessive celebrity news attention.