The Hollywood Gossip is proud to bring you Tale of the Tape, in which we break down prospective matchups within the celebrity world that you might never have considered. Because they are pointless, and above all, not real.
Our current match-up features an acclaimed actor we feel like we know personally after his many neurotic, hilarious years on Seinfeld, and some random dude who happens to share the same name, and who we only know because he once got with Britney Spears.
That's right, it's the Jason Alexander who was married to Britney Spears for less than three days back in 2004, versus the Jason Alexander best known as George Constanza from 1989-1998. Who will emerge victorious? Let's find out...
1. REAL NAME
Jason Alexander (Britney): Jason Allen Alexander
Jason Alexander (Seinfeld): Jason Greenspan
Edge: Jason Alexander (Britney)
2. PRETTY WOMAN TIES
Jason Alexander (Britney): Britney Spears (come on)
Jason Alexander (Seinfeld): Julia Roberts (not bad)
Edge: Jason Alexander (Seinfeld)
3. LENGTH OF MARRIAGE
Jason Alexander (Britney): 55 hours
Jason Alexander (Seinfeld): TV fiancee Susan never made it to the altar after dying licking toxic wedding envelopes. Married to wife Deana in real life for 25 years and counting.
Edge: Jason Alexander (Seinfeld)
4. FRIEND WITH WEIRD ASS NAME
Jason Alexander (Britney): Shar Jackson
Jason Alexander (Seinfeld): Cosmo Kramer
Edge: Jason Alexander (Britney)
5. BEST JOB
Jason Alexander (Britney): Blow, from Spears
Jason Alexander (Seinfeld): Upper management, with New York Yankees
Edge: Jason Alexander (Britney)
6. INTERNET PRESENCE
Jason Alexander (Britney): Gaining strength on gossip sites like this one
Jason Alexander (Seinfeld): The first 30 Google results on "Jason Alexander" pertain to him
Edge: Jason Alexander (Seinfeld)
7. CHARITABLE CAUSE
Jason Alexander (Britney): Jason Alexander
Jason Alexander (Seinfeld): The national spokesman for the Scleroderma Foundation, a leading organization dedicated to raising awareness of the disease and assisting those who are afflicted.
Edge: Jason Alexander (Seinfeld)
8. NEMESIS
Jason Alexander (Britney): Kevin Federline
Jason Alexander (Seinfeld): Lloyd Braun
Edge: Jason Alexander (Seinfeld)
9. WORST IDEA EVER
Jason Alexander (Britney): Writing tell-all book about his life with Britney Spears
Jason Alexander (Seinfeld): Agreeing to star in ill-fated Bob Patterson
Edge: Jason Alexander (Britney)
10. POST-SEINFELD/BRITNEY CAREER HIGHLIGHTS
Jason Alexander (Britney): None
Jason Alexander (Seinfeld): None
Edge: Even
THE VERDICT: The goofball comic proved too much for his younger, Britney banging namesake, eking out a 5.5-4.5 victory. Michael Richards would be proud - if not a little spiteful and insane. But we have a feeling that among these two Jason Alexanders, we'll be hearing more from the charming hick from Louisiana in the coming months. Because he knows Britney. That's kind of how the celebrity gossip business works - no offense Jason.
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