For most people, Jim Bob Duggar is up there with O.J. Simpson on the list of people who are least qualified to dole out relationship advice.
But some folks look at old JBD as a romantic role model.
After all, if your goal is to sire a small army and then make a bunch of weirdly strict rules governing how they're allowed to use their own genitals, the Duggar patriarch is your man.
Jim Bob and Michelle celebrated another wedding anniversary this week, and they decided to flip the script by giving a gift to fans in the form of preachy marital advice.
So put on your tapered jeans or your floor-length skirt and allow Jim Bob to school you in the ways of romance:
Laying Down the Law
Jim Bob began his latest sermon by listing the seven things that every man needs from his wife. Somehow, "crimped fright-wig hair" didn't make the list.
A man needs a wife who is loyal and supportive
We guess this one is self-explanatory. Unfortunately, Jim Bob never taught his sons the importance of being loyal and supportive, right, Josh Duggar?
A man needs a wife who honors his leadership
As for this one ... well, it's anyone's guess what the hell this means. All we know is that it sounds super cult-y, and the Duggars love them a good cult mentality.
A man needs a wife who develops inward and outward beauty.
We suppose this one was inevitable. Ladies, Jim Bob wants you to stay hot for your man. And remember, there's no plastic surgery for inner beauty.
A man needs a wife who will make appeals, not demands.
As in, she appeals to you to stop issuing so many freakin' demands. Like there aren't enough rules for the Duggars to follow already.
A man needs a wife who understands his need for time alone with God
"God" is a versatile term here. It can mean the monotheistic deity of the Abrahamic religions, or the stack of Playboys you keep in the shed.
A man needs a grateful wife
We're sure big long lists like this one are high on the list of things a man's wife should be grateful for.
A man needs a wife who will be praised by others
Why? Investing a little too much in what others think, aren't you, Jim Bob? Real cuck mentality, if you ask us.
Something For the Ladies
That's the end of Jim Bob's list of man demands, but don't worry, he also published a list of what wives need from their husbands.
He's Your Man
Because if anyone understands the needs of the modern woman, it's a religious zealot named Jim Bob who lives on a compound in rural Arkansas ...
A wife needs a husband who demonstrates spiritual leadership
This is another one where it sounds like Jim Bob is communicating in cult code. "And remember, the disobedient hawk flies at midnight," he probably adds when he reads these rules to a group.
A wife needs to know she is meeting her husband's vital needs
You have to admire the ballsiness of this one. "My wife needs to know that she's being a good wife. That's why ordering her to make me sandwiches is good for our marriage."
A wife needs a husband who cherishes her
Fellas, there's more to this one than just periodically crooning Madonna's 1989 hit "Cherish." Actually, that should just about cover it.
A wife needs a husband who protects her.
Wolves, bears, Nancy Pelosi ... these are just a few of the many dangers that Jim Bob must defend his wife from.
A wife needs to have intimate communication with her husband
And by "intimate communication," of course, he means the D. And by the D, of course, he means "devotional prayer time."
A wife needs a husband who honors her
Jim Bob's writing style is equal parts Old Testament and George R.R. Martin, and we love every hilarious second of it.
A wife needs a husband who invests in her life
Again, this one really doesn't mean anything, but we're sure Jim Bob's audience quietly nods in unison when he reads it aloud.
The World According to Jim Bob
So there you have it -- JB's fourteen simple rules for a successful marriage. We look forward to his next list of tips and tricks ...
How Not to Raise a Predatory Pervert
Step one: Don't do any of the things the Duggars do on a daily basis.