It’s been almost two years since Farrah Abraham was fired from Teen Mom OG.
Many of Farrah’s harshest critics had hoped that by this point, she would be working the drive-thru window at Wendy’s and regaling her teenage co-workers with tales of her former life as a wealthy TV personality.
Alas, Sophia’s mom somehow continues to afford an opulent lifestyle.
So how does Farrah continue to travel the world in style despite the fact that she’s never performed an honest day’s work?
Well, the short answer is “sex work.”
For years, Farrah has been haunted by rumors that she’s working as a globe-trotting, top-dollar escort.
Now, she’s finally decided to address those rumors — by confirming that they’re totally true!
Yes, for the low, low price of just $5,000 (plus travel expenses) Farrah will meet you anywhere in the world, allowing you to recreate the magic of Backdoor Teen Mom in the privacy of your own home.
Take a look:
The Farrah System
Farrah Abraham enjoys a life of luxury. And she thinks you could do the same — if only you would stop acting like a broke loser and try to be more like her.
The High Life
In recent months, Farrah and her 10-year-old daughter Sophia have attended red carpet events in Venice, New York, and several points in between.
Full Disclosure
Granted, the New York event was a launch party for Jenelle Evans’ cosmetics line, but you get the point.
Broke With Expensive Taste
And how does Ms. Abraham manage such a lifestyle when she hasn’t worked full-time since 2017?
Still Grindin’
Well, for a while there, she had managed to score a second gig as an MTV reality star, appearing on the trash-tastic series Ex on the Beach.
Cam Mom
And then there’s the online sex work, of course. Farrah hasn’t appeared in a proper adult film since the infamous Backdoor Teen Mom, but you can still pay to watch one of her live cam performances.
“Date Night”
And then there are promotions like this one, in which you can purchase a “date” with Farrah for the low, low price of $5,000. Yeah, she’s not even trying to hide it anymore.
A Plan For Every Budget!
If 5 G’s is a little steep for your liking, you can purchase access to her Premium Snapchat account for just $19.99 a month.
The Goods
And if the many, many naked photos of Farrah on the internet aren’t enough for you, you can shell out $125 for a topless pic, and a “full artistic nude” photo will set you back $200.
The Baller’s Plan
And if that’s still not enough Farrah access, for just $1,890/month, you can join the Farrah Diamond Club, an experience reserved “the ultimate Farrah Abraham fan” — who also happens to be wealthy and insane.
Whan an Opportunity!
“Whether you just want to talk about your day, ask for business advice, or play out a fantasy, this is your chance to do so,” reads the description on Farrah’s website.
Always Looking Out For You
Again, if you’re not willing to commit to a monthly plan, you can purchase a one-time video chat with Farrah for just $400.
You Can’t Put a Price on Genius
And what sort of wisdom can you look forward to during your wildly expensive conversation with Farrah? Well, if the content she posts online is any indication, she’ll mostly just yell at you for being poor.
Didn’t She Already Do This?
You might be asking yourself, isn’t this just like Farrah’s now-defunct online “Master Class,” in which she taught her students how to run a successful business, despite never doing so herself?
More of the Same?
Is this really any different from the other times that Farrah has prattled on about what a business genius she is, despite the fact that her frozen yogurt chain and her two clothing stores have all closed their doors?
The Truth
And to those questions, we say — fear not. Farrah is both angrier and more desperate than ever, and these days, she really, really wants to yell at you for being poor.
Always Hustling
“Me being a mom and a dad, I just don’t entertain laziness. I’m working until 12 o’clock at night. What are you guys doing? Partying and thinking you’re working?” Farrah ranted during one recent tirade. “Some people take a week to send me back headshots.”
Her “Ethic”
“This is why they’re not successful, and this is why they’re all broke,” Abraham continued. “I would say on top of all the broke mentality that I deal with, I’ve noticed that the one thing I can count on to not be broke is myself and my ethic and keeping other people in line.”
Like Coupon-Clipping For Rich People
In a recent installment of her YouTube “comedy series,” Farrah describes herself as a “super points mom” and explains that much of her extravagant travel is funded by credit card points.
Farrah Likes Free Vacations
“Some people are super-bargain mom, but I am like super points mom. Point me to a vacation that I don’t have to pay for. [I] love points,” says Abraham.
The Bargain-Hunter
But despite her taste for the finer, freer things, Farrah says she can still sniff out a bargain when she needs to.
Sharing Food?
“I love people who bargain, I love eco, people who are conscious of saving food and sharing it with others,” Ms. Abraham blathers on as only she can.
Breaking Expensive Stuff = Good Times
But despite her love for sharing food with strangers (?!?!?), Farrah says nothing brings her greater joy than buying luxury items and then destroying them.
Yeah, We Don’t Get It
“I do like quality cars; I do like luxury cars. Just like I like Fendi and Louis Vuitton glasses and then I break them,” Sophia’s mom explains.
You Do You
“That’s my life and that’s my choice,” Farrah continues. “And that’s why I work hard. Let me live a little; let me break some luxurious things. Whatever.”
To Recap:
So, the woman who wants to charge you for advice on business and wealth management also enjoys spending her money on very expensive things and then destroying them.
The Truth Is Out There
Hey, maybe she can tell you why that amounts to sound financial planning during a $400 phone call!
Take One For the Team!
So be sure to fill the rest of us in if you wind up forking over an insane amount of cash just to speak with a reality-star-turned-sex-worker! Thanks!