Pretty much any time the menace to society that is David Eason says or does anything, you can bet it'll be ridiculous.
When we learned that Eason got arrested twice in one 48-hour period, we assumed we were in for some cringe-inducing redneck insanity.
But we had no idea the guy would throw such a sad temper man-trum that we would almost feel bad for making fun of him.
Note, we said almost.
As you've probably heard by now, Jenelle Evans' husband was booked on charges of assault with a deadly weapon.
He was also rung up for communicating criminal threats following a bizarre incident last Friday night.
The arrest came just one day after he was hauled in for missing a court date on an unrelated charge.
You might read all of this and, despite being mortified, take solace in the fact that old Dog Killer Dave is finally headed for the slammer.
However, those are all misdemeanor charges, which means he'll probably walk with fines and probation, despite the danger he poses.
To Jenelle, his kids, animals, the world ... you name it.
When Jenelle showed up with two male friends to gather her belongings after a particularly bad fight, David pistol-whipped one of them.
You know, instead of shooting him.
He threatened to shoot the guys, of course, at one point screaming, “I will blow your f--king brains out,” according to a police report.
Terrifying. But because David demonstrated a modicum of restraint, he's out on bail rather than locked up at this very moment.
Yup, he's a free man ... free to start the process of filing ridiculous counter-charges instead of sitting in a cell where he belongs.
Say what now?
Apparently in North Carolina, a sworn oath from the alleged victim is all that's needed for police to file a criminal assault complaint.
So that's exactly what David did.
He's now insisting that his pistol-whipping and I'll-shoot-you-in-the-head threats were acts of self-defense.
We learned this from Joshua Galloway, one of the two men who were helping Jenelle escape from the land when David went on the attack.
Joshua identified himself on Monday tweeting:
“For everyone that does know James Spivey is my partner, & TMZ leaked his name thru court documents."
"He is safe & we are fine," the statement adds.
"Just sore from the pistol whip incident but he will be more than okay. It will all play out in court.”
When fans pointed out that Josh and James would not need to pay for legal counsel due to the fact that David was the only one facing criminal charges, Galloway corrected them:
"[David] retaliated & charged James with the same thing when it was just self defense so we will need a attorney anyways!" he tweeted.
"James is gonna need a attorney for his charges too!"
Now, thanks to a warrant obtained by The Sun, we know a bit more about what David has alleged.
David claims that at one point, Spivey struck him with a "spiked coat rack."
Yes, David had a gun, but he's claiming he was victimized by a guy with a coat rack.
Adding insult to injury is the fact that David spends much of his time these daya engaging in crafting and woodworking, so he may have been struck with a piece of his own handiwork.
It seems Eason may have also received preferential treatment from the law enforcement officials handling his case due to the fact that the altercation took place on his property.
Fortunately, the location won't help him in court.
"We were on private property that he part owns so it’s nothing we could do," Galloway tweeted.
"It won’t stick in court I don’t think."
Let's hope not -- the last thing we should be doing as a society at this point is validating David Eason's whininess.