Farrah Abraham has some absolutely tremendous news for single men (and married men, for that matter) around the world:
She has no immediate plans to sleep with any of you!
About a month after rejuvenating her vagina - yes, you read that sentence correctly - the former Teen Mom OG star has spoken to TooFab about the allegedly improved private part and admitted that it hasn't really been put to use just yet.
In the context of sexual intercourse.
By which we mean, nary a penis has been inserted into this opening since it underwent its most recent round of cosmetic upgrades.
That's right. Not a single member.
Is this because the procedure was a disappointment to Abraham, who has undergone similar surgeries on mulitple occasions?
Heck no, she tells the aforementioned website, proudly exclaiming that my "vajayjay's looking better than ever."
The noninvasive procedure didn't hurt, either, Farrah says, adding that the recovery took about a week and "my vagina doesn't miss anything that [the doctor] cut, so I'm like, 'Hey, okay! It's like a divorce!'"
In that case, what's the delay?
Why hasn't Abraham gone ahead and slid some erect, enthusiastic and fully penetrative D into this fresh, healthy and revived new V, if you catch our fairly obvious and totally disgusting drift?
"I don't date right now," Farrah replied when asked a sanitized version of this same question, honing in on her lady part and adding:
"I don't know if my vagina's ready to date, really."
"I mean, it's like tight, it's tight," the reality star added.
"I'm scared. I'm scared to use it! Don't break it!"
"I definitely think it's like a reborn virgin situation."
We're very sorry, readers. We apologize for every word of this article. It's simply our job as a celebrity gossip blog to bring them to you.
It was Farrah's controversial vaginal use, of course, that ironically made her a star on MTV, then got her fired from there.
Teen Mom producers took issue with Abraham's repeated participation in amateur adult film and later webcam work.
Ultimately, she was dropped from the show in early 2018.
She continues to comment on various aspect of the franchise and the various plights of many of its stars, but mostly just stays relevant these days by putting her medical procedures on social media.
And exploiting her young daughter. That also.
Back to her stagnant dating life, however...
Farrah insists that she hasn't broken in her updated vagina purely due to personal preference; not due to a lack of opportunity.
Abraham claims she has so many men angling for a piece, she has to beat them off. As in with a stick, Metaphorically. Not ... you know.
"I have men all the time pull over their cars and be like, 'Oh, my God! I need your number! I wanna take you on a date!' Everywhere."
"I mean, I get asked, people are like, 'I wanna marry you!' Every day. I'm like, 'What?!' Like, 'I don't even know you! I don't know you from Adam.'"
"Like, 'I don't know you!'"
We absolutely believe her.
Whenever Farrah does again return to Pound Town, she has advice for whomever that oh-so-lucky partner might be.
She's heard about how some men are very insecure about their bedroom abilities and this is how she says to get past such a fear:
"I would do some daily affirmations."
"If I was a man and I was feeling insecure, 'I'm great at sex! I'm gonna attack that sex!' I'm saying, if you're in a relationship, you better [say] daily affirmations and positive stuff - like those good Christian men do, what those good pastor husbands do."
Because we all know how well pastor husband can f-ck.