According to the latest set of The Bachelorette spoilers we've come across, there's a brand new and unexpected winner of Season 15.
According to previews for this week's episode, meanwhile, viewers were going to be treated to something else new and unexpected:
A naked bungee-jump by Hannah and one of her suitors!
Alas, this did not prove to be entirely accueate, although it wasn't really ABC who lied about the adventurous outing -- it was Garrett.
Early in the installment, he and Hannah did, indeed, take a major plunge off a cliff; their arms wrapped around each other and a very springy rope tied to their ankles.
But Hannah was only topless.
She had underwear on during the long and fast fall, despite what it may have looked like on television and despite what Garrett said about it afterward.
“We decide to bungee jump naked. Naked!” Garrett told the other eight men after also saying he was falling in love with Hannah.
He added in this not-so-humble brag: “I essentially was hugging her and she was hugging me and she put her head right here. It was cool, man.”
Not to Luke Parker it wasn't.
As teased in this disturbing video, the villainous front-runner was PISSED over Hannah daring to get close to another man.
(Have we mentioned yet how much Luke Parkre sucks? Because he sucks!)
"I’m hearing Garrett’s story and I don’t know if that’s how it went down,” Luke said in an on-camera interview.
“Who would want to be naked with that guy? There is no way Hannah went bungee jumping naked with Garrett.”
Luke ended up on the group date with Connor, Dustin, Dylan, Jed, Mike and Tyler C., much to his continued annoyance.
After they explored a Latvian market - where the contingent took moonshine shots and ate pickles and cheese - Hannah confirmed the nude bungee jumping story.
She explained to everyone there that this activity is a Latvian tradition
Shockingly, though, such an explanation did not satisfy Luke.
“Is this like when you’re an official couple kind of tradition?” he asked.
When Hannah replied that they did not have to be an “official couple,” the import/export manager was totally floored. And irate for the most sexist and selfish of reasons.
“I’m shocked,” he said to the cameras.
“This is sheer fact. I mean, this is a woman I want to spend the rest of my life with and [I] totally thought that was crossing a line. Her body is her temple and to expose it to anyone who isn’t her husband, that was a slap in my face.
"If she really is the one for me, which I believe she is, there’s a lot of answers that I need. I have to say something.”
(This is where we remind readers that Luke previously admitted to sleeping around a lot, around the time he was in college, only to claim that God then spoke to him in the shower and basically told him to cut it out.)
With Hannah enjoying herself on a group date, Luke barged in and did his best to slut-shame The Bachelorette.
“Have you ever been cheated on in your relationship?” he started by asking Hannah. “
And then he really went off on her:
"You know that feeling, your stomach turns inside out? It’s just twisted. I’m not gonna lie, I had that feeling this morning. We were about to get sent off for the group date and Garrett stated blurting out a whole bunch of stuff about what happened with you guys on the one-and-one and honestly, like it was hard for me to receive. A
"And it’s just because I know that your body is a temple and honestly I’m just thinking of you holding him, bare-skinned and I’m just thinking in my mind it just pissed me off, it really frustrated me.”
It does make us happy to imagine Luke in pain at least.
But Hannah was understandably anything but happy upon hearing his complaint.
It wasn’t in a sexual way. It was in an experience that I wanted to have for myself," she responded.
Following a steamy spa one-on-one date with Peter and a serenade at her hotel room from Jed (WHO HAS A GIRLFRIEND!), Hannah still could not move on from Luke's harsh words.
She spoke to him prior to the rose ceremony.
This is what she said:
“I so appreciate you coming to me and having a real conversation and actually sharing concerns because I respect that a lot, but the conversation, it didn’t sit well with me.
The issues were the language that you used to describe why you were upset.
You felt like it was a slap in the face because you want to spend the rest of your life with me and then you said, ‘We all make boneheaded mistakes.’ Oh, there was one other thing that really hurt me that you said.
You were talking about me meeting your family and you wanted to be able to feel confident in doing that and it was referring to the bungee jumping thing and I was like, what does that mean with me meeting your family?
I told you it wasn’t a sexual thing at all and it wasn’t.
But even if it was, at this point it doesn’t matter because you’re not my husband. You don’t own my body, you don’t own me. It’s my body.
“I am never going to control you.
"I will never tell you what you can and can’t do with your body. But when we get into things I brought up … I was not referring to that. I was referring to the future.”
Nope, though. This didn't sit well with Hannah, either.
“I want a man that doesn’t take me screaming and in your face to finally be like this,” she said.
“This process doesn’t work if you’re not yourself 100,000 percent. I need to know its real and it’s all the time. Like, why is it so hard with us?”
Luke simply asked Hannah to "keep fighting" for him and, sadly, she agreed to do so.
Instead of sending this sexist pig packing at the rose ceremony, The Bachelorette cut Dylan and Dustin, two men who apparently had not been cut already.
Even host Chris Harrison didn’t understand why Hannah wanted to keep Luke P. in contention
, despite very likely being one of the producers who forced her to do so for the sake of ratings.
“What do you like about Luke?” he asked Hannah.
“I’m either falling in love with Luke, or Luke is making me go crazy,” Hannah responded. “I’m not sure which one."