If you've been watching Vanderpump Rules this season, then you may be under the impression that Scheana Marie has had one thing and one thing only on her mind.
We're talking, of course, about Rob Valletta and his uncanny ability to mount a TV on the wall in 7 minutes flat.
Scheana's obsession with Rob has reached the level where some fans are genuinely concerned about her mental health.
But despite all appearances to the contrary if you scanned Scheana's brain, the attached monitor wouldn't just show an endless loop of shirtless Rob securely attaching a 32-inch Samsung above a fireplace.
No there would also be interludes in which Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson hang on Scheana's repeat the same boring-ass anecdotes ad nauseam.
You see, Scheana isn't just obsessed with Rob; she's also obsessed with the devil's lettuce.
And she says the reason she's prattled on about Rob literally every freakin' time she's been on camera this season is that her weed-addled brain simply can't keep track of which stories she's already told.
Appearing on Heather McDonald's podcast this week, Scheana responded to the inevitable question of why she was perpetually unable to up shut about Valletta despite the fact that her friends weren't even pretending to be interested in what she had to say.
“I watch it and I just want to reach in the TV, grab Scheana on Vanderpump Rules and strangle her and be like ‘Shut up!'” joked Scheana.
“Here’s my excuse. Look y’all, I smoke a lot of weed. I tend to repeat myself a lot. I forget things a lot. And I think I was just so impressed by him that I just kept saying it over and over again.”
Here's the thing:
We appreciate that the cast of Vanderpump is showing their progressive side by openly talking about their love for the jazz cabbage, but Scheana blaming her stalker mentality on too much THC is quite lame.
These days, Rob and Scheana are broken up, and while she says she's still holding out hope for a reconciliation (of course), she's also finally willing to discuss the specifics of their split.
And naturally, she blames the whole thing on her castmates.
As you may recall, one of the first dust-ups of this drama-packed season had to do with allegations that Rob cheated on Scheana with a random hostess.
While he denied the accusations and she believed him, Scheana says she now believes that confrontation was the beginning of the end of their relationship.
"I stepped outside and I called him. I was like ‘look, I just got to tell you something, obviously, I don’t believe it,’ thinking that he’d be like these girls are so silly. But no," Scheana recalled.
"Sadly, like literally, his switch just went to off in that moment on that phone call,” she revealed. “And when he got back, nothing was ever the same.”
Sheana and Rob continued to date for several months, but from the way she describes it, that period consisted of her clinging to the corpse of a long-dead relationship:
"I kept telling myself that everything was fine and he would get over it, that he just needed a little bit of time. And then a week [passes], and then two weeks, and he just never became himself again," she told McDonald.
"And after filming wrapped, about two weeks later, he broke up with me."
As for the specifics of how he cut loose - well, it's unfortunate that the breakup wasn't caught on tape because the footage could be shown to future generations as a textbook case of "he's just not that into you."
"I was over there [at his place], it was fantasy football time and that was priority that night," Scheana said.
"So he was literally doing his drafts and I’m just sitting there like are we going to talk? Like what’s going on? And finally he finished picking his players and I was cut and traded."
We assume that joke was followed by an extended crying jag.
Watch Vanderpump Rules online to remind yourself of just how psychotic Scheana became at one point.