Paris Jackson is a likable young woman. To most of us, she’s a teenager with a super spiritual vibe and some wonderful progressive ideals. She manages to do some of what Miley used to get up to, but without being obnoxious about it.
But there are some bonkers conspiracy theories surrounding this girl. She’s a Jackson, and it just seems to go with the territory.
We’ll start off with the simple and almost believable.
Paris Jackson’s parentage.
First, some believe that Michael Jackson isn’t her biological father.
To be clear, no matter what you believe about whose sperm was involved, we should be clear that Michael Jackson was definitely her father. There’s no question about that.
(Genes don’t make family)
Some fans have wondered why Paris Jackson’s skin tone is so light given that her father (skin condition aside) was a black man.
(90 Day Fiance couple Aleksandra and Josh faced the same accusations, but the opposite, given that they both have fair skin but their baby does not)
In the case of Paris’ fair skin, though, the theory has some support from a man who claims to have provided the sperm that conceived Paris.
Actor Mark Lester claimed to The Daily Mail that he provided sperm at Michael’s request.
"I was just helping out a friend. I think he had a problem with actually doing the physical act of sex and a very low sperm count as well."
That might sound believable, but it’s hard to wrap our heads around someone doing that and then just blabbing about it to the world.
Also, Paris has been pretty adamant that Michael Jackson was her father. She even has multiple tattoos honoring MJ.
That, we think, is what matters.
Then there are theories that Paris Jackson’s mother, Debbie Rowe, isn’t her real mother.
Debbie was married to Michael Jackson from ’96 to ’99, and is the mom to both Prince and Paris.
Some conspiracy theorists believe that Debbie was just a surrogate. The sperm for Paris and Prince could have been from various donors, depending upon what flavor of conspiracy you fancy, we guess.
We’re guessing that this theory comes less from Paris and Prince’s looks and more from the fact that Debbie cut ties with her children after her divorce, which … doesn’t strike people as super maternal.
But, having never gone through a divorce with a massively wealthy and also super famous person, we have to imagine that there’s a lot that we don’t know that went into Debbie’s decision.
That seems more plausible than Debbie deciding to act as a surrogate for unknown reasons.
Bigi Jackson (formerly known as Blanket) was born via surrogate, though he looks so much like Michael Jackson did when he was younger that people seem less eager to try to invent new and exciting parentages for him.
Okay, now we’re getting into Illuminati territory — possibly our favorite territory when it comes to bonkers conspiracy theories.
Disclaimer: the Illuminati isn’t real, but different people like to imagine a shadowy organization that controls everything, from governments to pop singers. It’s human nature to try to see patterns in chaos, even when there isn’t any.
So, first, in 2013, Paris Jackson was not living her best life, and attempted suicide.
She was put in a psych ward and, upon her release, tweeted out some cryptic things:
"It took me a while to figure who ‘they’ are in ‘they don’t care about us’ but I found out like 3 years ago. RT if you know what I mean."
First of all, that song lyric of Michael Jackson’s … like, we don’t know if he’s ever made a statement on it, but it’s literally just referring to white supremacy’s current and historic treatment of people of color and especially of black people.
Some said that Paris’ tweet was a revelation that the Illuminati existed. That she’d been brought into the loop and betrayed the people who wanted to be her masters.
Others went even further, and said that Paris didn’t really attempt suicide but that the Illuminati tried to assassinate her but failed.
(How is an organization that uses Beyonce as their puppet going to fail to kill a teenager? What are they, Voldemort?)
After posting a bunch of Illuminati symbols on Instagram, Paris "reassured" followers that she hadn’t been indoctrinated or whatever with another tweet:
"Guys The Drawings On Instagram Don’t Mean That They Got Me, I’m Just Trying To Let (the) World Open Their Eyes And Realize What’s Going On."
That’s right out of the Jaden Smith playbook.
Obviously, those tweets — whatever Paris believed at the time or maybe even still believes — were the thoughts of a troubled 15-year-old.
We’re so glad that she’s doing so much better, now.
And while we’re talking about the Illuminati … one of the most out-there theories involves Paris Jackson and the Illuminati in a very different light.
Because some people genuinely believe that Paris Jackson is an Illuminati clone.
(Mind you, these are the same sorts of folks who buy into NASA having a colony of child sex slaves on Mars.)
Some theorists point to Paris Jackson’s own words describing her recovery following her suicide attempt:
"It was great for me. I’m a completely different person. But up to that point, I was actually crazy, I was going through a lot of, like, teen angst."
"And I was also dealing with my depression and my anxiety without any help."
Because, clearly, if you murder and then clone a teen celebrity, you want to make sure that they say "I’m a completely different person" on television.
To hear Illuminati theorists tell it, there’s a super powerful clandestine organization out there that spends a significant chunk of its time planting clues to its existence in "obvious" places.
We have to question why they’d want to clone Paris Jackson.
Like, she’s great, but how would it serve these fictitious supervillains to have a tattooed teenager read tarot cards and hang out topless in the desert?
Somehow, the "celebrity clone" theories – conjured up to explain why someone looks different than they did years ago, or why someone’s public behavior has changed – are the most bonkers of all.
Weirder, even, than the detailed analysis that conspiracy theorists give to each year’s Superbowl Halftime Show.
Each performance, as it turns out, is an elaborate "Illuminati Freemason Satanic" ritual, based upon the imagination and repressed sexual fantasies of various paranoid conspiracy bloggers.
Those bloggers are unwittingly part of a centuries-old tradition.
You know, one in which religious nuts writing about the practices of "witches" in Europe would describe detailed and sexually charged rituals involving the physical presence of "the devil" that was basically just thinly veiled erotica.
People, and their theories, are amazing.