Monday on Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 13, Schwartz decided it was high time for one of his co-stars' ongoing feuds to end.
Which feud would that be? And how did his fiancee feel about Tom - of all people, the most awful at conflict resolution - meddling in this?
If you watch Vanderpump Rules online or read anything about the cast, you know there are so many feuds at a given time, it's maddening.
Tom Schwartz, ever an astute observer, noted that fellow cast members Ariana Madix and Stassi Schroeder aren't really getting along.
Naturally, he decided to bring them together.
“I don’t want to make this a bigger deal than it already is, but I want to make sure you guys are cool,” Tom said of his awkward group date.
Ariana denied having a problem with Stassi.
Stassi was not willing to be as nonchalant.
“It felt abrasive to just look at me and be like, ‘I don’t give a f--k about you,’” Stassi insisted, referring to Katie’s infamous bridal shower.
“What do you want me to do?” she asked. “I mean, if I wanted to be friends with her, then yeah, I would give a f--k about her opinion.”
Yikes. Clearly, that's not where Ariana is.
If that wasn't enough awkwardness for the week, Schwartz and his soon-to-be wife, Katie Maloney, sat down to hammer out their prenup.
Hilarious, given Schwartz's "finances."
“Katie has more money than me right now," Tom said of his proposed agreement, “But who knows how much money we’ll have in the future?”
Meanwhile, Katie’s bridal party gathered (minus Katie) together to plan her bachelorette party, settling on New Orleans as Option A.
Scheana Shay protested. Why?
Because of Stassi Schroeder, who Scheana feared would hijack the whole thing if she were allowed to plan a getaway to the Big Easy:
“I just want it to be a collective trip ... no offense, but if we’re in New Orleans, I just feel like you’re going to take over the whole thing.”
Stassi, a New Orleans native, responded indignantly, “Um, why wouldn’t I be planning this trip if we’re going to New Orleans?”
“I’m the only one here who's from New Orleans.”
A fair point; Scheana believed, however, that Stassi was just using the bachelorette party as a way to make Katie’s wedding all about her.
“Cool, Queen Stassi’s back,” Scheana said.
Elsewhere, Brittany Cartwright’s mother, a conservative Christian, left town after confronting Jax Taylor about his “homosexual” past.
“I’ve never gone down that road before,” Jax said, annoyed and defensive. “If you wanna believe what you wanna believe, that’s fine.”
Plenty of people do believe the Jax Taylor gay rumors, but whether they're true or not, Brittany called her boyfriend out for his “attitude.”
Jax stormed out, only to return at his girlfriend's urging, at which point he was lectured again by Brittany’s mom about joining the church.
“Maybe I do need Jesus!” Jax said with an eye roll.
James Kennedy, for his part, feels his prayers have been answered, as he told the Bravo cameras that Raquel was the love of his life.
“I could bring models home every night if I want to,” the ever-modest Kennedy insisted. “But I’m not going to do that. I’m going to commit.”
Not if Jax, Scheana and Kristen have anything to say about it, as the trio staged an intervention of sorts to expose his cheating ways.
They assembled James' alleged “groupies” (girls who claim James boned them, which he denies) to introduce themselves to Raquel.
At his DJ gig. Because that's totally normal.
Quite displeased, James told one of his supposed paramours, “Baby, I would never have sex with you ... look at you! You’re disgusting.”
Straight out of the Donald Trump playbook.
As Jax smiled at his machinations, someone hurled a drink at him. You're always one drink to the face away from a mood swing if you're Jax.