Amber Portwood isn't the only one who wants a piece of Farrah Abraham, just ... not that kind of piece.
Michael told Radar, "I heard Maci tried to come out and she threatened to kill my daughter."
"That is wrong," he continued, proving that the intellect in the Abraham family runs so, so deep.
"Last reunion," Michael revealed, "I went to her fiancé and said I was happy for their first child."
"I was looking forward to congratulating her on her marriage," he continued.
"Like any good father," he continued, "from my point of view, I saw [Amber's] hand touch my daughter's face."
"When I saw [her] touch my daughter, that's when I got between the two of them."
While Amber's known for her anger, there's no reason to put your hands on another person, even if it's Farrah Abraham.
... But especially if it's Farrah Abraham, because heaven knows what other places that face has been.
And speaking of where that face - and other parts - have been, Michael is insistent that his daughter did not "sell" her body.
"My daughter is not a whore," Michael said.
"She has never sold her body."
Oh, snap, way to find that loophole, son.
"She is not a prostitute, and those words have come out of our cast members' mouths and we never got physical."
This is where the sense starts to fall apart, in case you missed that.
Or in case you were Farrah Abraham.
"Farrah is in the entertainment business," Michael rationalized.
"That's her choice."
Indeed, it is her choice, and it's also her choice to emulate waves of horror that make people despise her.
It, and hypocrisy, wafts from her very being like waves of flatulence.
Previously, Farrah and Amber came to blows because Farrah called Amber's clingon, Matt Baier, a "pedophile."
After that, "Amber stormed on stage and started yelling at Farrah."
"Michael...got out of his seat and got in between Farrah and Amber and was yelling at Amber and calling her a bitch."
Though Portwood claims that all the hearsay is false, Michael is apparently a testament to what happened.
Even Catelynn Lowell got into the mix, saying that Farrah was terrified.
"She cowered like a little bitch," Catelynn tweeted.
"[Farrah] was scared as f--k, the look in her eyes."
"She was terrified."
As she should have been, because damn, does it look like Amber can throw down.
For her part, though, Farrah's ripping mad and claims she's going to take daughter Sophia off Teen Mom, since she's, duh, the obvious star of the show.
"Due to the three stooges," she said, "I now will not have my child around an unsafe environment."
"Production is just as much to blame as the girls."
You know who's to blame for all that's wrong in the Teen Mom world?
Here's a secret: it's you.