Regardless of your feelings about this year’s presidential campaign, there are certain bedrock principles that all Americans hold sacred, universal truths that Republicans, Democrats, and even people who have never heard of Aleppo can agree on.
Chief among them is the fact that Martin Shkreli isn’t just a douche bag in the figurative sense.
No, Shkreli is what happens when an actual used, discarded feminine hygiene product is given a trust fund and a Twitter account and told that if he acts like some hateful combination of Gollum and the geekiest member of Justin Bieber’s entourage, he might get to become a real boy.
Shkreli, of course, first rose to D-list prominence when he jacked up the cost of a life-saving drug often used by HIV patients by more than 5,000 percent.
Unfortunately, that little taste of the spotlight had a Viagra-like effect on Lil Marty’s ego.
Fame has proven to be his precious, and he’s shown us many, many times, that there’s nothing he won’t do to hold on to his semi-relevance.
In the months since we first saw his smug douche-grin, Shkreli has clung to the spotlight by doing everything from "breaking his hand" while throwing a tantrum over Bernie Sanders to publicly attacking beloved, newly widowed comic Patton Oswalt.
Amazingly, Shkreli even trolled Ghostface Killah of Wu Tang Clan fame and lived to tell the tale.
Unfortunately, none of that helped Shkreli fill the void inside of him or, more importantly, reach 200,000 Twitter followers, so he’s set his sights on higher-profile targets.
In his most appalling act of desperation to date, Shkreli has taken to lurking outside of Chelsea Clinton’s apartment in Manhattan in hopes that he might catch an opportunity to verbally harass presidential candidate Hillary Clinton:
First, denying people of life-saving medications, then yelling, "Are you alive?" at a woman who recently suffered a health issue!
What will this comic genius think of next?!
Hilariously, in the clip below, you can hear Shkreli respond to Donald Trump calling him a "spoiled brat" by ragging on the candidate as a liar and a terrible businessman (around the 20:00 mark):
It’s yet another reminder that Martin Shkreli doesn’t actually stand for anything, and all of this is done in the hope that if he gets a re-tweet from Jay Z, some girl might touch his wee-wee.
Dare to dream, Pharma Douche. Dare to dream.
But hey, if your fantasy football team lost and you’re feeling down about the state of our world today, it might cheer you up to know there’s a potentially happy ending in the making here.
Shkreli may be headed to prison in the very near future, and if there’s any justice in the universe, his cellmate will be a 6’5" 350 pound diehard Wu Tang fan whose loved ones have been forced to shell out for Shkreli’s exorbitantly-priced meds.