If you just woke up from a 20-year coma and this is your first time using the Internet, welcome!
You're about to experience one of the most remarkable information and communication tools ever known to man (but for now, you might want to hold off on googling any real estate moguls or first ladies from the '90s. You've already been through a lot.)
Unfortunately, the Internet is also a place where outrage is manufactured and sold to millions of anger-starved trolls who could best be pictured as slavering, zombified extras from The Walking Dead.
(Sorry, that reference is a little after your time, hypothetical medical miracle.)
The latest furor has to do with the lovely young woman pictured above, Malia Obama.
For the past eight years, Malia has been subjected to constant public scrutiny and strict standards of decorum that would lead most kids her age to neck tattoos and bath salts.
Malia, however, has handled all the challenges that come with being the president's daughter like an absolute boss.
As President Obama's time in office comes to a close, Malia has understandably decided to take a year off to decompress before beginning her first semester at Harvard in 2017.
She probably thought it would be nice to get away from the public eye and enjoy something resembling a normal adolescence for a few months.
But for some reason, the media spotlight on Malia has has been brighter than ever in recent weeks.
It all started when Malia was spotted smoking pot at Lollapalooza last month.
You might think an 18-year-old smoking pot at a music festival is no big deal, and you would be absolutely right, but for some reason certain members of the press are treating the clip above like it's the Zapruder film and the Watergate tapes rolled into one.
Shortly after that footage surfaced, there were rumors that Malia fled a house party moments before the cops arrived in response to a noise complain.
Cops reportedly found the devil's lettuce on the scene, which is a clear indication that her father was born in Indonesia and radicalized by Al-Qaeda ... or something.
Last week, Malia was photographed standing near a bong, and the "White House wild child" narrative was complete.
To hear certain tabloids tell, you would've thought Malia makes Lindsay Lohan in real life look like Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap.
Now, Radar Online is upping the ante, by claiming that Malia is headed for the 'hab:
“Her friends are concerned for her,” an unidentified "insider" tells the site.
“Malia has a problem and it’s not going to go away without some professional help.
"Getting the President’s daughter into some sort of rehab or educational program is critical and definitely would not be an overreaction.”
We wouldn't have thought Malia's friends would refer to her as "the President's daughter," but what do we know?
The source adds that Obama is "tearing his hair out" over Malia's behavior:
“It’s just one thing after the other and he doesn’t know what to do about it anymore," the unidentified friend claims.
"He’s tried to talk sense to her but it seems to do no good. He’s just not getting through.”
A second source adds:
“The president has tried to get Malia to change her ways and not put herself in a position that will further embarrass and humiliate him and her mom."
However, it seems the First Daughter is not having it:
"He doesn’t want her to do anything that could hurt her," the insider says.
"But Malia pointed out to her dad that he went through his own wild phase. Right now, she thinks he’s acting like the Hypocrite in Chief!”
Imagine Malia delivering that lame-ass burn in a Tommy Chong monotone and try not to laugh.
It's just not possible.