In case you've spent the last ten months becoming besties with a volleyball on a remote desert island, allow us to fill you in on what's been happening in the world of American politics:
Basically, we're in the midst of the history's most bonkers primary season, and it's looking like literally no one will be happy with any of the likely outcomes. Especially this guy:
Whether you TrusTed or you think he's the Lyin' King, there's no denying that the past few weeks have been rough on the Texas senator.
He got trounced in yesterday's New York primaries, leaving the Empire State without a single delegate, and the rumors about Cruz only get more and more ridiculous as this interminable campaign season drags on.
First, the Enquirer reported that Cruz engaged in several extra-marital affairs while serving in the Senate.
Then the tabloid doubled-down with a claim that Cruz slept with Katrina Pierson, a top aide to GOP rival Donald Trump.
Now, the supermarket checkout line staple has upped the ante, this time stopping just short of claiming that Cruz is the lovechild of Elvis and an extraterrestrial.
In a report published online today, the Enquirer claims that Cruz's father may have been involved in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.
The article claims that Rafael Cruz was one of Oswald's closest friends and confidants in the months before he shot JFK to death in 1963.
Hilariously, Ted has been cowed into silence by the rumor, ducking Enquirer reporters at recent campaign events:
"Can you explain your father Rafael's association with Lee Harvey Oswald in 1963?" one journalist reportedly shouted to a fleeing Cruz. "Did your father ever pass out pro-Castro flyers with Oswald in New Orleans in 1963?"
"He never looked up again until he strode out of the back of the venue to his waiting SUV," says one onlooker.
Cruz's wife, Heidi, did remark on the article, but only to say, "I haven't read it and that's on purpose."
Jeez, Ted. We didn't believe it at first, but now we're starting to believe your dad was chillin' on the grassy knoll reading Marx on that fateful day in Dallas. #TheTruthIsOutThere