Get your tissues ready, because this Florida man's story is bound to jerk at your heartstrings.
Last week, cops in Largo, FL responded to a call about a man bashing mailboxes with a baseball and wound up apprehending William Thomas Anderson, who offered an unusual explanation for his actions.
According to a police report, Thomas stated that “he had listened to too much music and masturbated too much and he felt like going out and destroying stuff.”
Thomas was shirtless and covered in dirt at the time of his arrest, but we assume that's the case with the majority of suspects in the Sunshine State.
Sadly, dozens of Largo residents will be forced to purchase new receptacles for their court summonses and copies of magazines that feature nothing but scantily-clad women holding large firearms.
On the plus side, however, dozens of local preachers can now regale their young parishioners with a cautionary tale about the dangers of self-love and the rock and roll music.
Thomas didn't pretend to be Ashton Kutcher to get out of his arrest or throw an alligator threw a Wendy's drive-thru window, but his whack-and-bash shenanigans did earn a spot in our Florida Man Hall of Fame.
And that's something you just can't beat.