Lindsay Lohan has contracted a virus with no known cure.
No, we're not talking about herpes, syphilis, hepatitis C, or the dreaded "LiLo" strain of genital warts.
She might have all of those too, but the one Linds is griping out these days is a mosquito-borne pathogen known as Chikungunya, which she apparently caught while on vacation in French Polynesia.
Lohan shared the news via Twitter, along with a link to a photo from the ritzy vacation she was somehow able to afford.
"Before I caught Chikungungunya," Lindsay tweeted. "Use Big spray [sic] please. God bless."
Yes, Lohan's typo might lead you to believe she caught the illness from Carrie Bradshaw's douchey suitor, but in reality, she hit the beach without a can of Tropical Off.
The diagnosis is poorly timed, as it comes right on the heels of news that Lindsay is moving back to the US after spending several months in London.
So it's only a matter of time before she has revenge sex with James Franco, and the unpronounceable virus spreads to all 50 states via a series of sticky-looking semi-nude selfies.
So much for that outbreak-free 2015 we were all looking forward to.
And Lindsay was so close to ending the year on a high note by taking her boobs out for Christmas.