True Tori Season 2 Episode 1 Recap: They're Back and Better (Worse?) Than Ever!

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After becoming an unexpected, albeit controversial and ridiculed summer smash True Tori is officially back and better (or worse) than ever on Lifetime.

What did we learn True Tori Season 2 Episode 1? Where to even begin ...

Tori begins the season by telling Dean she just took a pregnancy test.

After Season 1, they took a vacation to work on their issues, but the “totally unexpected” happened in Malibu: Tori totally fell in love with Dean again!

“We did everything together," she says. "We had sex like crazy!”

Hopefully he didn't think she's as bad at sex this time around.

It couldn't have been that terrible, since Dean tells their therapist that he did her 16 straight days while on vacation. The man has needs, as we know.

In any case, her period is late, so there's that.

She fears that he cheated on her with Emily Goodhand last time in part to get away from her and the kids, so she's scared to tell him about this.

After she drops the kids off at school, and complains about missing them, Dean tells her, “You’re stuck with me.” Then he sees a ginormous cricket.

At lunch with a friend, Tori orders a “happy ending” roll. “Can you give me a hand with that happy ending?” Tori asks the waitress. A GOOD hand, if you will?

Tori reveals that she and Dean banged the first time they met and then talks to her friend about what McDermott's mistress looks like - in her mind.

Later, her brings her a photo of the woman, which is obviously not her because we can't see it and there are no photos, anywhere online, and Tori is unmoved.

"So am I b!tch if I say that I think she’s unattractive?” Spelling asks.

No, just delusional if you think we take this scripted stunt seriously.

Then life gets real again, as Dean attempts to console a reeling Tori when her show Mystery Girls is canceled. “It’s a great show!” Dean tells her.

Dude has always been a really bad liar.

Earlier, in a sneak preview of the upcoming season, we saw her freaking out over finances, and proclaim, “I’m overwhelmed with life.” It's always something.

Spelling breaks down into tears and tells Dean, who tells her they could cut back on costs and be fine, that she doesn’t want to change their lavish lifestyle.

“My dad wouldn’t have wanted this!” Tori says, and it's true: Aaron Spelling would've paid for as many 16-day Malibu bone-a-thons as her heart desired.

But there's the bigger issue in play here.

“I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I might be pregnant," she said, while Dean sums up what we're all thinking at home. “Is that a joke, or for reals?”

That's his response. For reals.

In the end, he tells her he'd be excited if she were expecting their fifth child, then compares her being scared of her pregnancy to having a migraine.

We don't get it either.

Of course, Tori takes a pregnancy test, and then we learn she’s not pregnant. Big surprise there. Dean is sad because they make "beautiful babies.”

He's probably happier in the end, though, because we know he can't go more than 24-48 hours without his mediocre sex, and pregnancy? Buzzkill.

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True Tori Quotes

"What's keeping you in this marriage?" - True Tori producer to Tori, who cried and said that when there are children involved, you look at it differently (on reality television if at all possible)

"I was feeling really bad about my potato-making skills." - Tori, after Dean felt that she had microwaved a potato incorrectly, sending her plunging into an existential crisis and a state of instant self-loathing