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Wow, this is getting heavy. Well, relatively speaking, of course. This is The Hills.

At any rate, our golden girls, Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag, are growing up, complete with promotions and big breakups as Season 2 got started Monday night.

Luckily for Lauren – and for the rest of humanity – the new season began by finally dropping Dead Weight. Also known as Jason Wahler. LC took all of his belongings, including the prized golf clubs she gave him for his b-day, and took it over to his place, dumping it (and him) forever.

You Know What You Did
Photo via MTV

But lest we think she’d put Jason behind her without incident, there’s the fallout at work. Over at Teen Vogue HQ, the mag’s West Coast editor, Lisa Love, summoned her perma-interns (Lauren Conrad and her friend, Whitney) to kick LC while she was down:

“That was a good choice of yours to make, to go to Paris,” she passive-aggressively remarkted to Whitney. “Lauren didn’t go to Paris… How was your summer at the beach with your boyfriend? Did that work out for you?”

Oh, snap.

Heidi Montag, meanwhile, has her own problems — namely, avoiding Audrina’s calls. It seems Audrina had decided to switch from going on random awkward dates with no relevance to any story lines to going on dates with Heidi’s new beau.

The man in question, Spencer, fits right into the Laguna Beach mold for the most popular guys: not all that attractive, clever, or even interesting. But boy, do they play hard to get. When Heidi started asking him about Audrina at dinner, Spencer smoothly deflected her by saying, “This margarita’s just too good! I couldn’t be happier right now!”

While Heidi and Lauren were reflecting on Spencer, and how their relationship was on the upswing, he was bringing Audrina flowers on their lunch date. And offering to take her to Don Antonio’s, where he’d just been with Heidi. And making plans to bring Audrina to a party Heidi was working.

Yeah. This guy’s not taking angling for his own show or anything.

Naturally, this did not all go over well with Heidi when it came time for the party. Heidi sort of confronted Spencer about the situation, but she really still seemed to blame most of it on Audrina, weirdly enough. He summed up the tension in the following way:

“We got beef in the streets.”

Profound. The Hills premiere then concluded with Heidi perusing shampoo at the pharmacy… oh, and taking a home pregnancy test out of the bag when she returned home. This is coming dangerously close to dealing with an actual serious issue – and we’re not sure The Hills can handle it.

Do you like the nicer Heidi? Do you like the meaner Lisa? Will Lauren pick her career back off the mat? Don’t you love Whitney? How will they resolve Heidi’s situation? Do you think Heidi is pregnant? And has there even been a decent, normal guy on either Laguna Beach or The Hills?