The Hollywood Gossip is proud to bring you Tale of the Tape, in which we break down prospective matchups within the celebrity world that you might never have considered. Because they are pointless, and above all, not real.
Our inaugural edition is a rare three-person showdown of Sean P’s. Who will emerge victorious when Sean Preston (first spawn of Britney Spears), reggae / rap star Sean Paul and actor Sean Penn collide in a 10-category battle? Let’s take a look:
1. COOLEST FULL NAME:
Sean Preston: Sean Preston Federline
Sean Paul: Sean Paul Ryan Francis Henriques
Sean Penn: Sean Justin Penn
2. ETHNIC BACKGROUND:
Sean Preston: Trailer park
Sean Paul: Mostly Jamaican, some Chinese/British
Sean Penn: European, Jewish/Roman Catholic mix
Edge: Even between Paul, Penn
3. TRADEMARK STYLE:
Sean Preston: Whatever Britney chooses
Sean Paul: Cool dreads, ill threads
Sean Penn: Porn mustache, circa 1986 shades, suits
4. SEXUAL PRIME:
Sean Preston: He just turned one!
Sean Paul: In full effect
Sean Penn: Long gone.
5. LITTLE-KNOWN FACT
Sean Preston: Is actually smarter than dad Kevin Federline
Sean Paul: Former member of Jamaican national water polo team
Sean Penn: Studied auto mechanics and speech at Santa Monica Coll.
Sean Preston: Sutton Pierce Federline (2006- )
Sean Paul: Only child
Sean Penn: Michael (1958- ), Chris (1965-2006)
7. SOCIAL CAUSES
Sean Preston: Needing to be changed
Sean Paul: Getting properly crunked
Sean Penn: Ending any and all wars
8. CAREER HIGHLIGHTS
9. FUTURE PROSPECTS:
Sean Preston: God help him
Sean Paul: More platinum records
Sean Penn: Arrests for non-violent protests, smoking in public
10. MEMORABLE QUOTES
Sean Preston: “Waaaaaah!”
Sean Paul: “Legalize it”
Sean Penn: “F**k you”
THE SKINNY: Despite a late surge by Penn, Sean Paul takes it with 4.5. Sean Penn claims 3.5 and little Sean Preston brings up the rear with 2. Bet you he wants a rematch.