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For Michael Lohan, the season premiere of Prison Break was nothing but a tease. Nevertheless, Lindsay’s father recently penned a letter (and included a cartoon drawing) from behind bars.

Just because the man is serving serving up to four years for drunken driving, contempt of court and beating his brother-in-law bloody with a shoe (take that, Mel Gibson!), it doesn’t mean he can’t find time to share thoughts on his relationship with Lindsay and the villains who are allegedly driving them apart.

In the strange cartoon, Michael includes money-hungry lawyers with devil’s horns, a prison guard, a paparazzo and an woman who might be Lindsay’s mom, Dina, or her publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik. They’re all tearing the daughter away from her dear old dad. Where are the violins playing, though?

Lindsay and Bader Image

On the back of the cartoon, the artist has scribbled: “The Spiritual Realities and Physical Elements of the truth behind this whole situation.” We’d accuse Paris Hilton of pulling a stunt such as this – but no way she knows what those words mean.

In his accompanying handwritten letter, Lohan discusses his “stupid decisions,” his new spirituality, an inspirational book he’s written and his intention to help troubled teens through a ministry when he gets out of prison. Other quotes include:

– “Lindsay is a talented, loving, blessed and free-spirited person. I believe nothing I read about her unless I hear it from Lindsay herself. And she’s always been honest with me.”

– “If Mr. Robinson wrote a letter to her, that is his right. He is a respectable man and I’m sure he felt it as his obligation … But I do know how things get twisted and I’m sure there is an honest explanation.”

-“While I don’t think [Kate Moss] is the best mentor based on reports, these reports could be twisted. To which, I hope and pray (as it appears) Kate has turned her life around as well.”

Harry Morton “appears private, respectable, and my friends in Vegas only have good things to say about him and his family.”

– Oil heir Brandon Davis, who repeatedly mocked Lindsay as “firecrotch“: “All I can say is that I am happy that God gave me a new way of looking at, and pitying, people like Brandon. I pray for his soul!”

The Gossip prays for more material such as this. It’s a gold mine.