Stop us if you've heard this one, but The Bachelor spoilers have been revealed in advance of the show's January premiere.
Colton Underwood, NFL star turned reality star, has given out his final rose - and we know who's gonna be getting that piece.
We hereby invite you to come inside for all the spoilers for the new season, ironically starring a man who's never come ins-
Sorry. Not important right now. Let's get down to business and break down how Colton got here, and where he's going next.
Obvious alert: Bachelor spoilers await!
Man on a Mission
As those who follow the franchise know, this season's leading man, Colton Underwood, was one of the final contenders for Becca Kufrin's heart on The Bachelorette last season. But he is noteworthy for more than the usual reasons. He's a virgin. So the Fantasy Suite stakes are even higher than usual.
Not only has Colton been on several NFL rosters, he's been on Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman. Physically. We assume. They must have cuddled while dating, right? (He's a virgin.)
He Also Dated Tia Booth
In addition to Aly Raisman, Colton was also in a relationship with Tia Booth of The Bachelor fame. For a guy who has never gotten it in, he sure has gotten around.
It's His Time Now
Despite some controversy over his past and his appearances on not one but two Bachelor shows (he went to Paradise following his ouster from The Bachelorette), Colton got the nod for the 2019 season.
Colton faced plenty of those along the way, but we already know his final four. Be warned: there are spoilers from here on out, even before we get to Colton's choice.
First, a Disclaimer
In light of spoilers that emerged in past seasons, it looks like producers are forcing contestants -- especially late-in-the-game contestants - to make their social media private in the months leading up to the new season. We don't have as many photos of Colton's contestants as we would like. That should change when the season airs. For now, meet his final four competitors ...
Is it hot in here or is it ... Caelynn Miller-Keyes? The 23-year-old Caelynn is Miss North Carolina 2018. She's a total knockout.
Caelynn Made it to the Hometown Dates, But ...
She did not, however, make it to Colton's final three. Guess the trip to her hometown didn't quite make a lasting impression on him. Heartbreaking.
Viewers first saw Cassie as she lectured a castmate on potentially ruining Colton for future relationships, whatever that means. She's a 23-year-old ESL teacher from Huntington Beach, California.
Tayshia is a 28-year-old from Orange County, California. She's mysterious and also a little complicated, as relatively little is known about her as of this posting.
She's in Colton's Final Three, With a Twist ...
Tayshia had an ex in what was reportedly a very serious relationship. She was apparently on a romantic vacation right before she went off to film The Bachelor. In other words, she pulled an Arie.
Hannah is gorgeous and made a great first impression with Colton. Will that be enough to win her the final rose?
She's Not a Stranger to the Bachelor Fam
Hannah is friends with Danielle Maltby, one of the many stunning ladies from Nick Viall's season.
Colton's Final Three: Hannah, Tayshia, and Cassie
Here come some of the bigger Bachelor spoilers that you came here for. We know how things go down at the end of the season, and we know which lucky contestant Colton chooses.
Things with Colton Are a Little Different
Reality Steve, the Oracle of Bachelor Spoilers, reported that Colton's season seemed to be a little shorter than others towards the end. Less of the season that we see on air devoted to the final trio, perhaps? On Twitter, Steve said that the end of Colton's season "certainly is interesting since it's something we've never seen before." LITERALLY UNPRECEDENTED IN BACHELOR HISTORY, as Chris Harrison would say.
The Overnight Dates Began ...
The studly virgin had his overnight date with Tayshia on November 6 in Sagres, Portugal. As for whether he went all the way in the Fantasy Suite, that remains to be seen.
... Then He Had Another
On November 8, Colton had an overnight date with Cassie Randolph. Again, we don't know what kind of boning may or may not have gone on. But get this:
Then it Was Hannah's Turn, Right?
Wrong! According to spoilers, Colton had already made up his mind by this point, so he told Hannah Godwin that they could skip the overnight. He sent her packing. Shocker!
His Mind Was Made Up
Colton wasn't done. By this point, he knew in his heart what he had to do, and he told Tayshia that she could take a hike, too.
Colton's Final Rose Went to ...
Cassie Randolph. Looking at her, it's no surprise why. But it will be interesting to watch him fall for her on this season of The Bachelor, and to see how the show handles his surprising choice to pick her so soon ... plus, there's a major, major twist!
Cassie Accepted the Rose, Obviously ... or Did She?!
Here's the major hiccup: Colton dispatched the other two women, so that he could propose to Cassie ... who was not feeling it! "Cassie told him, 'I don't want to be engaged,'" according to Reality Steve's podcast. "She essentially pulled a [Peter Kraus]. Like, 'I'm 23... I don't want to be engaged.'" Cassie then leaves the show on her overnight date because she doesn't want to be engaged! Didn't see that coming!
This Really Shakes Up the Formula
If Steve is correct, and we tend to believe that he is, because when it comes to The Bachelor spoilers, he almost always is, and quickly admits when he's made a mistake, Colton tracks her down, and they do stay together, or get back together. Sort of. They decide to give it a few months of just dating, to make sure the timing and chemistry and everything else are there before they get engaged.
That's a Very Unusual Finale
After the nightmare that was Arie's season, we're eager to see things go a little differently ... hey, if the bar is set low, we figured Colton Underwood can probably clear it in his sleep. Now we just have to wait and see if he's already slept with Cassie ... and who knows what else we learn on the After the Final Rose special.