The following story does not require much set-up.
A woman and her husband were recently going at it, tearing each other's clothes off and set to engage in some very hot and extremely heavy intercourse...
... when the couple's three-year old daughter walked in the bedroom.
YIKES! Also: LOL!
We'll let the wife/mother explain in hilarious detail, courtesy of her viral Facebook post, where things went from there:
Say Hello to Emma Lou Harris and Her Husband
This was the photo Emma Lou Harris, a native of Ireland, posted along with the following tale of eroticism and embarassment.
First, The Build-Up...
"There's an inevitable moment in every parents life when your children catch a glimpse of something you'd much rather they didn't," she wrote to open her Facebook post. "Something that the retinas of any grown adult human would need a full lifetime and then some to erase from their traumatised memory boxes but your own child? Fortnightly shrink sessions for life and replacement eyes are a must. And I would give serious consideration to hypnosis."
Alcohol and This Husband-Executed Task?!?
I'd had two full beers that night and Joe had emptied the dishwasher without having to be asked. I knew right then and there it was game on. Pants . Off!
We're Off to Sexy Town!
We shipped the kids to bed as quick as lightening and the very moment they slipped into a slumber, Mission slipping into other things commences for us as we hopped on straight down to sexy town.
We are DOING This... and We're Doing It Well!
Things were getting heated. We were just getting to the bit of the act about half way through where you actually consider going professional and you wonder why you ain't teaching these kinda moves on some sort of intense weekend course for beginners. Ye know, your about 2 mins in and all of a sudden bitches be thinking they some sort of Christian and Anastasia yoga instructors.
Right. So THIS is Why We're Married.
It was getting hotter then Satan's ball sack and I was trying to hold in the noises .
There was nails digging and hair pulling and and headboards knocking and we were JUST about to be reminded whyyyyyyyyy the HELL I ever put up with this bollox leaving his crap all over the house when suddenly… Mammmmmmmmy??????????
"My Vagina Zips Itself Up To My Back"
HOLY SHITBALLS!!!! My panic sweat glands jump into emergency mode busting open like a military operation and my vagina zips itself up to my back immediately before I've even had a chance to turn my head.
I look up to see a moving smudge of colour in a 'my little pony' night gown rubbing its eyes and whinging. I pray to the baby Jesus that we have a poltergeist and I also pray it's legally blind. My vision is blurred with both the sheer fright and with truth tears over fears of who I'll find behind the blur of doom. I knew the answer.
Our Favorite Excerpt:
In that same split second I hear a small girl scream . It's Joe, it was the noise accompanied by him leaping off me higher than a kangaroo hurdler while very nearly giving himself a home circumcision from the ceiling fan in the process. I watched him, almost in slow motion fly through the air in panic , the anaconda swerving all over the place threatening to strangle me to death in the act. Seriously, the thing nearly slapped me in the face and blackened the eyes off me on it's jump up there.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?!?
I sit up in a rush, my arse is still lingering up at my throat where it jumped and hid at the first "m" of "mammy". My hair is looking like I've just had the misfortune of science project exploding in my face. Joe is huddled in the corner of the room under a white duvet, rocking back and forth like he's going through an exorcism all the while muttering pleads to Jesus under his breathe that this isn't happening. After another few blinks my vision becomes clear and I see. It's Frankie , my poor poor misfortunate child. She's standing at the side of our bed. For how long ? Who fucking knowsssss!!!
She's rubbing her eyes and momentarily I consider the fact that she may actually be trying to scratch them out. She tells me she's lost her soother in her bed and she needs me to look for it. I oblige.
What Did She See?!?
She wanders into her room and says nothing. Puts her soother in and goes back to sleep while me and Joe stay awake all night staring at the ceiling and speak not one word to each other. I don't know what she saw that night. I can't say for definite if she saw too much or if she saw anything at all.
Well, It Was Fun Having Sex While It Lasted
All I know is, if in the future, My poor poor innocent child ever comes to me and tells me she remembers a very vivid dream where two large warthogs were trying to give each other a hoosh over a wall or that two friggin tapers where playing an aggressive game of twister , well, I guess I'll have my answer. Myself and Joe are due to finish our Trauma Counselling sometime in the year 2045.