If living in America these past few years has been a bit bonkers for your personal taste, you may want to begin the visa application process and start pricing Canadian real estate now, because things are about to get even crazier.
Yes, folks, whether you're ready for it or not, it looks like Lindsay Lohan is planning to return to America -- and this time, she's looking to conquer.
Sigh. As if we don't have enough orange-hued, reality TV has-beens attempting to take over this country, right?!
Lindsay Skyped into Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen's New Year's Eve broadcast to announce that she's planning to return to America in 2020 after spending the better part of the past decade living overseas.
The surprise announcement came after Cohen asked Lindsay if she has any New Year's resolutions:
“Yes, I do," Lohan began.
"I’m managing my sister, so I want to really focus on me and everything that I can do in my life and come back to America and start filming again, which I’m doing something soon in this new year," she continued.
"And, you know, just taking back the life I’ve worked so hard for and sharing it with my family and you guys.”
If you're having a hard time making sense of that statement, don't worry -- there's really not much to make sense of.
Lindsay is managing her sister, but for some reason that means she'll be focusing on herself?
Yeah, we guess when you've spent the past five years partying your way across Europe and the Middle East like some sort of coke-addled Carmen San Diego, expecting you to piece together a coherent sentence on live TV is asking a bit much.
Anyway, Lindsay didn't get into the specifics of her comeback plan, but she has two long-gestating projects set for release, and they both sound almost unimaginably awful.
One is a no-budget werewolf movie called Among The Shadows, which will mark Lindsay's first big screen project since the 2013 flop The Canyons.
The other is an EDM track on which Lindsay sings and produces entitled -- of course -- "Xanax."
Lohan has been promising the song since September, and Cohen called her out during Tuesday's broadcast.
“I’m ready for this recording,” he said during Lindsay's brief interview.
This prompted Lohan to reply, “Andy, you’re getting it after the New Year.”
So at some point this year there will be a Lindsay Lohan techno song about benzos.
Finally, something to look forward to!
Lindsay has been keeping a low profile ever since her ill-conceived MTV reality show, Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club, was canceled last year after just one season.
Some stars might have been discouraged by the show's rock bottom ratings, but not Lindsay.
No, she long ago located the line between confidence and delusion, rolled up a dollar bill, and snorted it into oblivion.
As the kids, say #goals.