For those who aren't fluent in Brit-speak, the headline roughly translates "to please stop denigrating the Duchess of Sussex, you chronic masturbators."
And why is Elton John standing up for Meghan Markle, you ask?
Well, it all has to do with Princess Di, private jets, lavish vacations, and climate change.
In other words, it's got the makings for a top-notch royal scandal, which is why the UK tabloid press was so quick to grab onto this story with both hands.
Yes, over the weekend, Meghan and Prince Harry were slammed by the British media for their recent jaunt to Elton's estate in France.
The beef wasn't with the trip itself, but with Meghan and Harry's method of travel.
The Sussexes took a private jet to Elton's home, which shouldn't come as much of a shock.
You can't fly commercial when you're visiting the Rocket Man, after all!
But apparently, many felt that choosing such an extravagant conveyance was a hypocritical move on Harry's part, given his long history of anti-climate change activism.
Elton usually doesn't have much to say on social media, but on Monday, he took to Twitter to offer an impassioned defense of his friends, Harry and Meghan:
"I am deeply distressed by today’s distorted and malicious account in the press surrounding the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s private stay at my home in Nice last week," John tweeted.
"Prince Harry’s Mother, Diana Princess Of Wales was one of my dearest friends," he continued.
"I feel a profound sense of obligation to protect Harry and his family from the unnecessary press intrusion that contributed to Diana’s untimely death."
From there, he delved into the thorny issue of how hard the royals actually work.
"After a hectic year continuing their hard work and dedication to charity, David and I wanted the young family to have a private holiday inside the safety and tranquility of our home," Elton continued.
"To maintain a high level of much-needed protection, we provided them with a private jet flight."
Don't get us wrong, we're sure Harry and Meghan are very committed to their charities.
But the argument that they deserve a private flight to the South of France because of how hard they work rings just a smidge douchey, no?
Most people work hard, Elton. Very few of them will ever come within spitting distance of a private jet.
"To support Prince Harry’s commitment to the environment, we ensured their flight was carbon neutral, by making the appropriate contribution to Carbon Footprint," John went on.
"I highly respect and applaud both Harry and Meghan’s commitment to charity and I’m calling on the press to cease these relentless and untrue assassinations on their character that are spuriously crafted on an almost daily basis."
Again, "Harry and Meghan are allowed to fly private because they can offset their carbon footprint with charitable donations" sort of misses the point.
Harry chose to become a global ambassador for this particular issue, and a lifetime in the spotlight shave hafve taught him that the best way to lead is by example.
Frankly, this is one of those cases where we really can see both sides.
Yes, a private jet was probably one of the more practical option for Harry and Meg, but there are certainly more efficient ways to travel between neighboring countries, and lectures.
All that said, Meghan takes enough bullying from the British press without having to take crap for her first vacation with her new baby.